“I Love Lucy” is still a scream and I promise it won’t make you think of Ebola even for a second.

To distract all of us from The Great Ebola Panic of 2014 — which is SCARY SHIT and A VERY REAL THING, especially here in Dallas — I think you should know that today is “I Love Lucy” Day, commemorating the iconic TV comedy’s premier on October 15, 1951, just two stinking weeks before the birth of yours truly.

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last half-century, “I Love Lucy” was a groundbreaking American TV sitcom on CBS that ran through May 1957. Lucy, Ethel, Ricky and Fred are pictured above singing “California Here I Come” and the video below is a clip from the famous candy factory episode in season two. It’s still a scream and I promise it won’t make you think of Ebola even for a second.

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To kill some time this afternoon I enjoyed a small Internet shopping spree that included the following swell merchandise: 1) six cans of scrumptious Australian cheddar cheese — yes! canned cheese is a thing! — from Pleasant Hill Grain; 2) EZ Sweetz liquid sucralose drops; and 3) a bunch of Avery return address labels from Amazon. I also ordered two big packages of Charmin from Wal-Mart but I won’t bother posting a photo because I’m pretty sure you know what toilet paper looks like unless you are A Idiot.

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And finally ... I’ve got another new senior citizen recipe for you today! This time it’s Melty Meatball Casserole for Senior Citizens with Fake Pasta and Cheese Sprinkles, a tasty plate of  mock-Italian food that won’t fool anybody ... but what the hell, it’s easy and it’s FAST.

First, the ingredients. You’ll need two bags of angel hair zero-calorie Miracle Noodles, half a cup of your favorite pasta sauce (I use Bella Vita because it’s low carb), a package of Hormel ready-to-eat fetal meatballs, shredded mozzarella cheese and a pile of parmesan.

Start by emptying both bags of Miracle Noodles into a wire strainer, rinse them under warm water for a couple of minutes and cut them up with your kitchen shears. Dump the drained noodles onto an attractive 8¼-inch Arcoroc glass soup plate (see right) that you recently purchased from Amazon, add the fetal meatballs and extra pasta sauce, and then sprinkle a substantial mountain of cheeses on top.

Microwave for two minutes until everything is hot and sloppy.

This is an ideal way for senior citizens to get an Italian food “fix” without laboring over a hot stove all day, because if you have mobility issues like I do it’s impossible to stand, stir or shlep without considerable pain and aggravation. For instance, have you ever tried to carry a big pot of boiling pasta to the sink if you walk with a cane? YOU CAN’T DO IT. You also can’t chop onions, roll out dough, make matzo balls, strangle a chicken, mix a meat loaf with two hands or peel hard-boiled eggs. OLD AGE SUCKS.

Thank you for reading this.