SOMEBODY’S PREGNANT. No, not ME, you idiot. I’m a retired senior citizen with no uterus and shitty knees. I’m referring to the Duchess of Cambridge and her well-bred spouse, Duke William Windsor of Cambridge-Wales (or whatever he’s called this week), the future king of Great Britain. And just like last time when she was expecting Prince George, Reuters has reported that poor Kate is heaving mightily into the royal commode at Kensington Palace from a condition known as “hyperemesis gravidarum.” In other words, it’s a royal pukefest.
THE BIG HOO-HAH IN SCOTLAND. In case you haven’t heard, on September 18 Scotland will vote on independence from Great Britain. According to a poll as recently as yesterday, 51% of the Scots favor independence, THE BRITS ARE HAVING A COW and the pound is tanking in world markets. While many details remain to be ironed out, an independent Scotland wants to hang onto Britain’s gold reserves, the Loch Ness Monster and the entire national stockpile of bagpipes, plaid skirts and Lorna Doone cookies.
THE DALLAS COWBOYS BEGIN ANOTHER SEASON OF SHAME. I didn’t bother to watch yesterday’s game against the San Francisco 49ers because every sports columnist in the country gave the Cowboys ZERO CHANCE to win ... and they met those expectations with room to spare. When quarterback Tony Romo wasn’t throwing successful interceptions he was on his ass from being SACKED, although I don’t know what else you’d expect from a mediocre 34-year-old player recovering from back surgery. Lousy decisions on the field by Romo and an early fumble by DeMarco Murray destined the Cowboys to defeat less than 30 minutes into the game. I watched a Margaret Rutherford movie instead.
IT’S STARTING TO COOL OFF IN TEXAS. No kidding, people, WE’RE FINALLY HEADING INTO FALL HERE. Take a look at this forecast from Weather.com, featuring NON-SWEATY DAYTIME HIGHS (I emphasized Friday and Saturday’s 70s in red all by myself), multiple chances for GENUINE RAIN and overnight temps dipping into the low 60s. Holy crap! LET’S RAKE LEAVES! LET’S BUY HALLOWEEN CANDY!
In case you’re interested, I’ve decided to throw together one of my favorite old people’s meals for dinner tonight — No-Stress Sloppy Joes for Senior Citizens with Crappy Hands and Knees [see recipe] — except this time I’m substituting a mound of fake angel hair pasta (i.e., zero-calorie Miracle Noodles) for toasty low-carb onion rolls because I don’t have any. Thank you for reading this. Tell your friends.
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