Batten down the hatches, everybody ... AIRMAGEDDON is on the way! Those hysterical whack-job spin doctors at
Weather.com are calling this one Winter Storm Astro, but we know what it really is: REGULAR COLD WEATHER. Do they seriously think the United States will have a brain hemorrhage about snow in Minneapolis and Michigan? It ALWAYS snows in Minneapolis and Michigan!
It’s the middle of November, you dickheads, NOT THE MIDDLE OF JUNE. Shovel it and let’s move on!
Here in north Texas, of course, we’re expecting a frosty snap of our very own as evidenced by the five-day forecast pictured below. The coldest temperatures are expected overnight Wednesday into Thursday morning. Howdygram headquarters will survive because we’ve got Lipton tea, Vienna sausages, Pop Secret with Movie Theater Butter and socks.
And now some breaking news from our I Know I Can’t Be Pregnant Because I Don’t Own A Uterus Any More department. The incident began late this afternoon with a frightening simultaneous food craving for leftover pizza, popcorn, fish sticks, sugar-free lemon-lime Jell-O, Australian cheese in a can, Vienna sport peppers and two pork tamales with hot sauce.
I consumed part of this list for dinner (pizza, hot peppers, popcorn) and will begin chipping away at the rest as soon as Sam gets home from work and can help me shuttle plates in and out of the microwave because my knees are killing me due to the aforementioned Winter Storm Astro closing in on us. I think I’ll do the fish sticks first with Beaver Brand tartar sauce followed by Jell-O and tamales. I’M AN OLD LADY AND I THINK I’M STARVING TO DEATH. I hope I don’t throw up.
Thank you.
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