An Einstein Award and the best mugshot ever.

It’s 4:20 in the morning. I woke up about half an hour ago for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and decided to spend a little time hanging out with the Howdygram because it grieves me to report that I’m not feeling particularly well at the moment. Here is a comprehensive list of my complaints in no particular order whatsoever.

• My eyes are watery.
• My nose is running.
• My feet burn.
• My heels hurt.
• My knees hurt.
• My hands hurt.
• My right arm doesn’t feel so hot, either.
• I’m short of breath.
• I’m short on sleep.
• I’m slightly clammy.
• I’m hungry.
• I think that’s it.

Sam was planning to drive me to the pharmacy for a flu shot this morning but I’m thinking I’d be much better off at home with a bag of popcorn. Also, we’re expecting weather around 10 a.m.

For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the pharmacy (CVS) where I’m not getting a flu shot today; and C) Five Guys Burgers & Fries at Town East Boulevard and the LBJ Freeway. With any luck maybe I can pester Sam into picking up lunch today. FIVE GUYS ROCKS.

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For those of you who enjoy keeping track of meaningless crap like this, I’m expecting a number of excellent deliveries during the next few days. Today, for instance, I’ll receive my Amazon Prime Pantry order, a DVD collection of cheesy Roger Corman sci-fi movies, three bags of sugar-free Hershey’s chocolate and a bunch of light bulbs. Tomorrow I get two bottles of Wal-Mart’s store-brand arthritis-strength Tylenol knockoff. Sunday, nothing. Monday, The Pied Piper on DVD starring Van Johnson.

Apparently the balance of my Wal-Mart order — Naproxen tablets, Lay’s potato chips and three boxes of Pop Secret with extra butter — is stuck in a snow drift somewhere in upstate New York because FedEx tracking indicates no further activity since November 19 in Syracuse. If this shit doesn’t hurry up I’m afraid Howdygram headquarters will run into a popcorn shortage and I might have to fall back on pork rinds. Oy.

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I’ll wrap up this post with our latest Einstein Award. This time we’re recognizing Gabriel Harris of New Smyrna Beach, Florida, who was arrested on Sunday for trying to drive-through Taco Bell on a bicycle at closing time. Employees refused to sell him any food, which makes sense, but when Harris refused to leave the cops got involved ... resulting in THE BEST MUGSHOT EVER.

Just between us, I think it might have been more humane for the Taco Bell employees just to turn out the lights and go home; eventually Harris would have figured out they’re closed, right?

If you’re wondering about the bruise on Harris’ head, apparently the cops noticed a Swiss army knife hanging from his belt and tackled him to the ground to prevent potential disaster involving a bottle opener. This resulted in a scuffle, a charge of resisting arrest and the glorious portrait that appears above.

My question is, are there any cops left in the United States who aren’t PARANOID LUNATICS? It would have taken Harris at least 30 seconds to unclip the knife and another 30 or more to pry out whatever portion of that stupid gadget might be considered an actual weapon. This country is really, really fucked-up.

Thank you for reading this.