How to get surprise deep-dish Chicago-style pizza for no reason whatsoever.

My buddy Gayle got me thinking about turkey this afternoon and triggered the inevitable EMERGENCY HOLY CRAP FOOD CRAVING, which means I’ll have to throw together my World-Famous Senior Citizen Thanksgiving Bowl tonight for dinner because — sadly — I don’t know what time UPS will show up today with my crate of latkes and kishka from Kenny & Ziggy’s deli in Houston. Sometimes UPS gets here by 6 p.m. but usually not until 7 or 8, and I’d definitely wind up in a hypoglycemic coma if I wait that long to eat things. I guess I can always do kishka for dessert, right?

As long as I’m talking deliveries, I’ve got a big one coming tomorrow from the fine folks at Russell Stover: A CASE OF SUGAR-FREE MARSHMALLOW SANTAS, thirty-six in all, neatly arranged in a handy counter display for my desk. A SENIOR CITIZEN SHOULD NEVER RUN OUT OF SUGAR-FREE MARSHMALLOW SANTAS! I also ordered two bags of sugar-free chocolate-covered peanuts and one bag of sugar-free Butterfinger knockoffs because life is good and Russell Stover ships FedEx for two-day delivery.

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Hey, everybody ... I’M COLD. I just realized that my fingers are frozen and I might have to turn up the heat to compensate for Weather.com’s stupid “Winter Storm Asshole Astro,” which dipped into north Texas earlier today and plummeted our temperatures from 78° to 50°. I know you’re probably thinking that 50° is no big deal, but this is our first taste of barely-frigid fall weather so far, I reserve the right to whine if I want to and there’s nothing you can do about it. Got that?

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And now for a quick report from our How To Get Surprise Deep-Dish Chicago-Style Pizza for No Reason Whatsoever department. You may recall my post from November 7 [read it here] in which I sent feedback to Foody Direct complaining about the wretched cooking directions — on a baking sheet for 25 minutes at 400° — furnished with my $70 order of My π deep-dish pizzas that left them half-raw, ice cold and watery. The Foody dude apologized profusely and sent me a $50 gift certificate that I used almost immediately for the aforementioned crate of latkes and kishka from Kenny & Ziggy’s deli (see paragraph one). In the meantime I also began to receive semi-hostile emails from Richard, the actual owner of My π, trying to determine if I’m a hick, a high-altitude moron or just don’t know how to set the temperature on my oven.

For the curious among you, here’s the initial email I received from My π:

I was really surprised by your difficulty. We’ve been selling our pizza like this for 40 years and they always come out great and perfectly cooked. There are a few things that could have caused this problem.

Your oven is not calibrated correctly. When you set it for 400° it’s actually baking at 250°.

You’re at a high altitude like Colorado.

You used a sheet pan designed for baking cookies with a thin layer of air between the metal to keep the cookies from burning on the bottom. I’m sure this is what you did. Most of the heat that cooks a deep dish pizza comes up from the bottom and you obviously used the wrong pan.

Holy mother of crap. Nice apology, you insulting douchebag! I responded that I fall into the “none of the above” category, since: 1) I have a well-calibrated GE Profile gas range that successfully bakes other food on a daily basis WITH NO PROBLEM AT ALL; 2) the altitude in Texas is three inches above sea level; and 3) I used a very nice nonstick Calphalon baking sheet.

I also mentioned that I’ve mail-ordered Lou Malnati’s frozen deep-dish pizzas many times in the past and the instructions specify 55 minutes at 425° ... and they’re 30% smaller!

Naturally, the douchebag had to send one final message:

If you put the pizza directly on the oven rack it will cook much faster. Your pan is slowing down the cooking. I’ve cooked Lou Malnati’s pizzas on a sheet pan or directly on the rack and they only take about 25 minutes.

Clearly, this man is TWO THINGS.

First, he’s INSANE, because even a TASTELESS WAFER-THIN FROZEN PIZZA FROM THE SUPERMARKET WITH CARDBOARD CHEESE FLAKES AND TRANSPARENT PEPPERONI takes longer than 25 minutes, plus I’d NEVER put his enormous five-pound deep-dish thing directly on an oven rack because DRIPPING PIZZA JUICE WILL STINK UP THE ENTIRE HOUSE. I was so irritated I wanted to kick somebody’s brains out.

Second, he’s a LIAR. Why would the owner of My π buy a Lou Malnati’s pizza?

So imagine my surprise ... about an hour ago I get an email from UPS announcing that My π just RESHIPPED MY ORDER ABSOLUTELY FREE. Which means I get a $50 gift certificate from Foody Direct AND $70 worth of free pizza! Now if we could only figure out how long to bake the damn things ...