There’s nothing worse than a shitty Elvis impersonator.

It’s 8:30 Sunday night and Sam has been downtown at the office since lunch time. To tell you the truth he’s been gone so long I almost don’t remember what he looks like. To amuse myself in the meantime I’ve got some exciting features to share with you. Enjoy.

THE ASSOCIATION OF LINCOLN PRESENTERS. They’re a national organization of Abraham Lincoln wannabes who meet once a year at an annual convention — in costume — to free slaves, avoid theaters and generally creep everybody out. Their last convention was April 2014 in Natchez, Mississippi.

While many of these Lincolns are obviously too fat, too short, too young or too goony to qualify as believable Abes, this reminds me of an experience back in 2002 when Sam and I ran into a convention of Elvis impersonators at a casino in Laughlin, Nevada. Trust me, people, THERE’S NOTHING WORSE THAN A SHITTY ELVIS IMPERSONATOR. Illustrated below are: 1) your typical Hispanic Elvis; 2) a Sicilian Elvis with a knife to stab you for laughing; 3) a mentally ill Elvis; 4) another mentally ill Elvis; 5) a bench full of Filipino Elvises; and 6) Jenny Craig dropout Elvises.

IT’S SILENT MOVIE MONTH ON TCM. I’ve never really been a huge fan of silent movies, and there are four reasons for this: 1) They’re too damn long; 2) you can’t eat soup because you miss half the dialog every time you look down at your bowl; 3) the music is annoying; and 4) I can’t stand those ugly fonts. However, all that aside, there are some genuine classic silents this month on TCM ... and a few of the best are coming up TOMORROW (Monday) NIGHT. These are:

• The Shiek (1921) starring Rudolph Valentino.
• The Thief of Bagdad (1924) starring Douglas Fairbanks and Anna May Wong.
• The Big Parade (1925) starring John Gilbert.
• Ben-Hur (1925) starring Ramon Novarro and Francis X. Bushman.
• He Who Gets Slapped (1924) starring Lon Chaney and Norma Shearer.
• The Winning of Barbara Worth (1926) starring Ronald Colman.

You should set your DVR to record all of them and try to sit through as many as possible. A sample scene from The Winning of Barbara Worth appears below and also features a peek at Gary Cooper in one of his earliest roles.

Thank you for reading this. I still have one more meal left today and I’m going to eat it RIGHT NOW before Sam gets home from work.