You’ll always find the asshole of the day shooting his mouth off in the comments section.

And the big news at 4:30 in the morning is ... I JUST FOUND MY STYLING WAX ON AMAZON FOR THE SAME LOW PRICE AS WAL-MART. You know, for my new Judi Dench haircut. Except on Amazon it’s considered an “Add-On” product (too small and cheap to ship on its own) so I had to buy a few additional whatnots to bring my shopping cart total to at least $25. Trust me, that’s easy. It took less than 90 seconds due to always having assorted crap idling on my “save for later” page. So here’s what I finally ordered: two twin-packs of excellent Pilot G2 blue fine point gel pens; 50 sheets of Epson double-sided matte presentation paper (actually, it’s card stock); a pack of 50 A7-size kraft envelopes; and, of course, the aforementioned FX Molding Wax for adorable hair.

---

I just read a news article that Apple — the world’s most valuable company — is now worth an incredible $700 billion. That’s almost DOUBLE the value of Exxon Mobil, which ranks at number two. But even with this staggering financial milestone, you’ll always find the asshole of the day shooting his mouth off in the comments section:

Tim Cook was running the show when Jobs was alive. Most of Jobs’ so-called genius was a total myth. Funny how a company that sells something nobody actually needs is valued so highly.

Holy crap ... something nobody actually needs? This jerk can’t be serious. STEVE JOBS CHANGED THE WORLD. Customers sleep in the streets to buy Apple’s products and technology, and speaking personally, I fell in love with the first teeny little Macintosh when it was introduced in 1984 and I’ve never been without a Mac for the last 30 years. A real example of “something nobody actually needs” would be Flamin' Hot Cheetos or a pair of putrid pink Crocs ... NOT an iPhone, an iPad or the exquisite brand new 27-inch iMac with a retina 5K display that I hope somebody’s buying me for Hanukkah. (This is a hint.)

I should go back to bed now. My work here is done.