For the right price you can get people to do damn near anything.

I can’t believe I waited all damn day to write this post because I actually started thinking about it at 9:30 this morning. Old age, a three-hour nap and William Powell movies — known around here as The Senior Citizen Trifecta — can be a real ambition-killer for housebound retirees with shitty knees.

Show of hands, people. Have you tried any of the repulsive new potato chip flavors from Lay’s? A random sample appears below for your possible interest and includes such putrid duds as Cappuccino, Bacon Mac & Cheese, Chicken & Waffles and Prawn Cocktail. Not pictured: Magic Masala and Rock Hot Chili Squid.

I decided to bring this up because last night I tried a bag of Lay’s Sour Cream Cheddar that came in a shipment from Wal-Mart and ended up dumping the whole damn thing in the garbage because the taste was SO DISGUSTING. They also arrived smashed to smithereens, but if the flavor had been decent I’ve never been averse to eating a lot of greasy crumbs. (Greasy crumbs is actually one of my favorite food groups right after highly processed lunch meat and egg rolls.)

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Here’s a hot local news story from our For the Right Price You Can Get People To Do Damn Near Anything department. I’ve got a HAIRCUT HOUSE CALL set up for tomorrow! Yes, friends, I have a very nice stylist named Noell who actually comes over twice a year to cut my hair in the master bathroom due to mobility issues that prevent me from going to a salon like a normal person. She charges $25 for a cut if you go to the shop where she works; when she comes over she charges $60. I actually think this is an excellent deal when you consider the alternative. I can either: 1) wear my hair down to my waist like a deranged hermit; or 2) cut it myself with a cuticle scissors. (You get my drift.)

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Wow, it’s already 8:30 p.m. and I haven’t given dinner any consideration whatsoever! Maybe I’ll just resort to consuming assorted, unrelated leftovers in an attempt to clean out the refrigerator before Thanksgiving. I’ve got a decent-size bowl of leftover hot & sour soup, one low-carb onion roll and three slices of Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf. If I can’t create a delicious meal with ingredients like that — also Pop Secret with Movie Theater Butter — there must be something wrong with me.

Thank you for reading this.