How the hell can anybody not love Margaret Rutherford?

It’s 8:30 Monday morning and I’ve already been awake for more than FOUR STINKING HOURS. Four hours! To keep from blowing my brains out I guess I’ll just launch into a Howdygram post and go with the flow. Thank you for putting up with me.

My first order of business ... CLEVER HOLIDAY GIFT IDEAS for all the people on your list who don’t deserve a cashmere sweater. You can buy these unique, exciting and shockingly cheap products — and much, much more! — online from Archie McPhee. Pictured below: 1) the coveted Kim Jong Il “Dear Leader” tongue scraper; 2) Foie Gras gumballs; 3) Abraham Lincoln bandages; 4) genuine squirrel underpants; and 5) a big tin of gravy-flavored hard candy. (Other flavor options include bacon and wasabi.)

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To get myself all set up for incoming shitty weather I just ordered a few fall emergency provisions from Soups Online. These include four bags of Bear Creek Hot & Sour soup mix — the primary ingredient in Marcy’s Famous One-Pot Asian Food Feast for Senior Citizens — and two big fat cans of Skyline Chili. I’m so fucking excited I can hardly stand it. FYI, the traditional way to consume Skyline Chili is on angel hair pasta (no kidding) with shredded cheddar cheese on top, but I’ll use zero-calorie Miracle Noodles instead because NO COOKING and NO CARBS!

Here, for your possible interest, is a graphic of our four-day forecast that shows the previously-mentioned incoming shitty weather. According to the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com we’re expecting 30+ consecutive hours of heavy thunderstorms and substantial rain starting at 5 a.m. on Election Day. Maybe we’ll get lucky and the Republicans won’t vote.

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Because I’ve already eaten a substantial volume of food and don’t feel especially motivated to do anything else, this might be an ideal time to throw a load of towels in the washing machine and take a nice, juicy nap because I’ve added an additional napping movie to my standing repertoire of available titles: Murder Most Foul (1964) starring Margaret Rutherford, Ron Moody and Stringer Davis.

In case you give a crap, my other favorite napping movies are listed below. All of them are stored on our DVR for fast access whenever I feel like lying down. I love my life.

• Murder at the Gallop ★ (1963) starring Margaret Rutherford and Robert Morley
• Murder She Said ★ (1961) starring Margaret Rutherford and Arthur Kennedy
• Murder Ahoy ★ (1964) starring Margaret Rutherford and Lionel Jeffries
• The Kennel Murder Case (1933) starring William Powell and Mary Astor
• The Dragon Murder Case (1934) starring Warren William and Margaret Lindsay
• The Bishop Murder Case (1930) starring Basil Rathbone and Roland Young
• Murder on a Bridle Path (1936) starring Helen Broderick and James Gleason
• Murder on a Honeymoon (1935) starring Edna May Oliver and James Gleason
• The Penguin Pool Murder (1932) starring Edna May Oliver and James Gleason
• Life With Father ★ (1947) starring William Powell and Irene Dunne
• White Cargo (1940) starring Hedy Lamarr and Walter Pidgeon
• Journey to the Center of the Earth ★ (1959) starring James Mason and Pat Boone

The titles with teeny red stars denote movies I only play when I’m napping alone because Sam can’t stand Margaret Rutherford, Life with Father and Pat Boone. I forgave him for this lapse in judgment years ago even though I still wonder HOW THE HELL CAN ANYBODY NOT LOVE MARGARET RUTHERFORD?

Thank you for reading this and pass the popcorn.