The Great Monday Morning Stuffing Conundrum.

I’ll begin this post a riddle: WHEN IS A BARGAIN JUST AN OLD LADY BLOGGER’S LAPSE IN JUDGMENT? The answer? When you’re so hysterical about ordering Stove Top stuffing from Amazon that you don’t actually bother to read the product description and wind up with a DOUBLE DEAL. In case you give a crap, here’s exactly what happened. Let’s call it The Great Monday Morning Stuffing Conundrum.

Following a brief pantry inventory this morning Sam confirmed that Howdygram headquarters was dangerously close to running out of Stove Top stuffing, the key ingredient in our number one go-to senior citizen recipe: Marcy’s World-Famous Senior Citizen Thanksgiving Bowl. As I start browsing around on Amazon to order another stash I discover that their Stove Top prices are all fucked up right now. Last time I ordered nine twin-packs for $24.95; today they’re selling six single boxes for the same price. That’s a 60% price increase! For stuffing!?

Therefore I immediately send Sam on an errand of mercy to our Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market, where he grabs their last six boxes of Stove Top chicken-flavor (our favorite) for $1.25 each. I’m thinking whoa! excellent price! this is the best deal on earth! but I’m wishing they had more in stock, so I head back to Amazon and order 10 boxes at $2 each through Prime Pantry, not noticing these are TWIN-PACKS at $2 each, not single boxes, which means now I’ll have enough stuffing to last through Mother’s Day, and for the first time ever Amazon Prime Pantry is even cheaper than Wal-Mart! HOLY CRAP AND PASS THE GRAVY!

Other products in today’s Prime Pantry order included chocolate brownie Clif Bars for Sam, two cans of Ro-Tel spicy mooshed-up tomatoes and Hellmann’s mayonnaise. Yum, right?

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Here’s an unforgettable news item for you. Meet Ray Adams and Samuel Crump, a pair of shithead senior citizens from a right-wing Georgia militia group, who were sentenced today to 10 years in prison for plotting to murder American cities from the air with ricin because they hate the federal government. The Einsteins hatched their plan in a Waffle House — a well-known incubator for anti-government activitity — and eventually acquired several containers of castor beans, which can be used to make ricin, with plans to harvest the poison and release it in five cities, including Washington, D.C. They were arrested when Crump transferred one of the containers to an undercover FBI agent.

Crump remained obnoxious and defiant during sentencing; Adams apologized in court for his part in the scheme. Unfortunately, in their Obama-hating, Bircher-addled brains, living one’s life in a constant state of apoplectic rage is actually the base-level starting point for activity like this ... the zero on the dial. Now that Adams is heading to Club Fed he’s suddenly really sorry he spent the last few years with that dial turned up to 11. In my view, they’re a pair of mangy, malevolent idiots and I’m perfectly happy for them to rot in jail, but I’d be even happier if they could find a way to sue (or at least blame) the assholes at Fox News who never stop instigating the frightened underclass with a steady diet of fear, panic and hatred.

For the record, local news sources in Georgia believe that Samuel Crump is probably the wayward kid brother of Helen.

Thank you for reading this.