You never realize how big your house is until you can’t walk any more.

I’m having “mouse issues.” My wireless Apple mouse is skipping, getting stuck, locking up, acting jerky and generally driving me insane. I almost ordered a new one last night from Amazon for $65.99 but decided to hold off for a while until I try a variety of other remedies. First up, at Sam’s suggestion, DITCH MY VERY OLD MOUSE PAD — even though it’s really adorable with his baby picture on it — and just use the mouse on the surface of my desk. I guess it’s worth a shot. Stay tuned for further developments but please feel free to continue your usual Sunday routine in the meantime. (Thank you.)

You’ll always find the asshole of the day shooting his mouth off in the comments section.

And the big news at 4:30 in the morning is ... I JUST FOUND MY STYLING WAX ON AMAZON FOR THE SAME LOW PRICE AS WAL-MART. You know, for my new Judi Dench haircut. Except on Amazon it’s considered an “Add-On” product (too small and cheap to ship on its own) so I had to buy a few additional whatnots to bring my shopping cart total to at least $25. Trust me, that’s easy. It took less than 90 seconds due to always having assorted crap idling on my “save for later” page. So here’s what I finally ordered: two twin-packs of excellent Pilot G2 blue fine point gel pens; 50 sheets of Epson double-sided matte presentation paper (actually, it’s card stock); a pack of 50 A7-size kraft envelopes; and, of course, the aforementioned FX Molding Wax for adorable hair.

Welcome to Dallas ... where the fun is infectious!

According to a steaming pile of news reports this morning, Dallas County commissioners are considering an EBOLA OUTBREAK DISASTER DECLARATION due to “the potential to suffer widespread or severe damage, injury, loss or threat of life.” There’s an emergency meeting scheduled for this afternoon with coffee and a couple of sweet rolls.

My outstanding Tuesday morning accomplishments.

In case you think I lead a boring life you’d be DEAD WRONG. It’s only 10:17 a.m. Tuesday morning and I’ve already accomplished all of the following: 1) sent Sam to Wal-Mart with a shopping list; 2) swallowed four pills; 3) added Green Giant whole mushrooms to my Amazon Subscribe & Save because a senior citizen can never have too many mushrooms; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Stop laughing. For those of you who may be interested here’s what I’m expecting this month in my Subscribe & Save order.