LET’S TALK BEDPANS. Certainly not everybody’s favorite subject — least of all mine — I think you should know that several times a week Sam is tasked with: 1) rolling me onto my left side; 2) squishing a bedpan underneath me; 3) very, very carefully setting me onto my back again and waiting for me to make a poop; 4) rolling me back onto my left side to clean things up; and 5) helping me get comfortable again on my back, which includes gently moving and adjusting my legs an inch at a time until I finally stop screaming. At this point I would like to remark that activities #1 and #4 — rolling onto my left side — are PURE HORROR and includes screeching profanities at the top of my lungs until my vocal chords (and poor Sam’s eardrums) collapse. According to my official Shit-O-Meter misery report, which ranks my pain on a scale of 1 to 10, rolling onto my left side qualifies as a clear “15.” Seriously.
Click here for an explanation of our Shit-O-Meter numerical rankings.
As a matter of fact, this morning’s bedpan hoo-hah might have even surpassed “15.” (I’m told they could hear me screaming in Oklahoma.) Therefore … Sam and I have agreed to do some independent research to find out if there’s another way for me to poop without being rolled around in bed. I just don’t think I can do it any more.
LET’S TALK FOOD. Actually, this section should be more appropriately titled “Let’s NOT Talk Food,” because I have absolutely no appetite whatsoever and haven’t eaten anything for the last several days besides opiates, pitted Greek olives and sugar-free Sunkist Orange Soda. While this may be thoroughly void of nutrition, MARCY’S EASY-PEASY OPIOIDS AND OLIVES DIET comes highly recommended on a number of other levels, two of which are no cooking is required and you can eat olives with a plastic fork. Come to think of it, I’ve learned to enjoy peculiar teeny meals that are generally regarded to be relishes and/or garnishes, such as little round cherry peppers, all kinds of olives, nice crunchy green onions and millions of pickles, including rock-hard dilled green tomatoes, kosher dill pickles, half-sour pickles, sweet gherkins and bread & butter pickles. I’m a real sucker for bread & butter pickles. And don’t get me started on giardiniera. Oy.
LET’S TALK “DECLINES.” I think I’m in the middle of another one. I’ve been sleeping for ridiculously long spans of time — 12, 14, 16 hours at a stretch — and in addition to not eating, I also forget to use insulin. (Although I suppose if a diabetic doesn’t eat, she probably doesn’t really need much insulin, anyway.) Other symptoms of my declines include: 1) really low blood pressure, such as 86/55; 2) a stupid squeaky, weak, raspy voice; and 3) feeling lethargic, uninspired, unhappy and unhinged. I’m also revisiting a health issue from four years ago when I was taking Coumadin (a blood thinner): SPONTANEOUS BLEEDING. I just scratched my stomach (gently!) and spouted a “gusher” that required Sam’s assistance. I detest the sight of my own blood. To me, it looked like a surgery scene from “M*A*S*H” in here.
LET’S TALK “DECLINES.” I think I’m in the middle of another one. I’ve been sleeping for ridiculously long spans of time — 12, 14, 16 hours at a stretch — and in addition to not eating, I also forget to use insulin. (Although I suppose if a diabetic doesn’t eat, she probably doesn’t really need much insulin, anyway.) Other symptoms of my declines include: 1) really low blood pressure, such as 86/55; 2) a stupid squeaky, weak, raspy voice; and 3) feeling lethargic, uninspired, unhappy and unhinged. I’m also revisiting a health issue from four years ago when I was taking Coumadin (a blood thinner): SPONTANEOUS BLEEDING. I just scratched my stomach (gently!) and spouted a “gusher” that required Sam’s assistance. I detest the sight of my own blood. To me, it looked like a surgery scene from “M*A*S*H” in here.
I’m well-equipped now to forge ahead. Woo-hoo!
I just woke up from another 15-hour nap. Under the circumstances I think I’d better use this opportunity (which I originally typed twice as “opportunititty”) to finish this post and publish it before I fall asleep again.
Thank y’all for reading this, okay?
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