The Howdygram 2: A new agony for my goddamn left foot.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

A new agony for my goddamn left foot.

SATURDAY, 9:17 A.M. Howdy, howdy, howdy! You’ll surely be pleased to know that I’ve had an above-average morning so far, including: 1) a nice bath with Sam’s able assistance; 2) an anticipated email from my Baylor HouseCalls nurse practitioner; and 3) a bowl of Pepperidge Farm cheddar goldfish.

On the negative side, of course, I’ve still got that ongoing severe pain in my left foot, which I’m treating with extra Norco and (eventually) a leftover oliveburger that’s been waiting for me in the fridge since Thursday night.

With regard to item #2 [see the first paragraph] — in case you’re curious — I emailed Antonia yesterday to complain about my Lasix prescription. The dose I’ve been taking (40mg) is just too goddamn high, causing me spend eight hours every day with ZERO BLADDER CONTROL WHATSOEVER. So this morning Antonia wrote back to tell me she sent a lower-dose (20mg) Lasix prescription to Wal-Mart for me. HALLELUJAH! Woo-hoo!

Know what? I’ve got some rare and wacky Marlene Dietrich movies to watch today! The first is Morocco (1930) co-starring Gary Cooper and Adolphe Menjou. This is the one where Dietrich wears a man’s tuxedo and smooches a woman on the mouth. Wow, right? Next: Blonde Venus (1932) co-starring Herbert Marshall and Cary Grant; The Scarlet Empress (1934) co-starring Sam Jaffe; and Shanghai Express (1932) co-starring Clive Brook and Anna May Wong.

Sam Jaffe and Marlene Dietrich in “The Scarlet Empress.”

The weirdest of the bunch is definitely The Scarlet Empress, which is more like a debauched royal nightmare in 18th century Russia. Most of today’s Marlene Dietrich films are rarely seen; The Scarlet Empress is almost NEVER seen. It tells the story of a young, innocent German noblewoman (Dietrich), who travels to Russia to marry the Grand Duke Peter. Her romantic fantasies are shattered, however, when she discovers that Peter is a childish imbecile. Eventually she’s swept up in a plot to overthrow and assassinate him … paving the way for her rise as Catherine the Great. This is one of the most intriguing and erotic movies ever made, and it’s even better than Eat, Drink, Man, Woman (1994) ... a story about CHINESE FOOD!

SATURDAY, 6:15 P.M. This afternoon Sam and I discovered part of why my left foot is wracked with pain all the time and why it’s such a fucking mess. In addition to: 1) a burning sensation on the sole from diabetic neuropathy; 2) plantar fasciitis pain in my heel; and 3) a deformed and mangled baby toe that feels like it’s being bludgeoned with a club, I also have 4) a large recurring blister that pops, soaks my slipper and then re-forms all over again. Most days I’m so miserable I CAN’T STAND IT ... and today is definitely one of those days.

Tonight for dinner I’ll drown my sorrow in a vat of Marcy’s World-Famous Mish-Mosh Soup with noodles, matzo balls and white rice. Trust me … it works. (Also lots of Norco.)

The Howdygram is pleased to announce that Tiger Woods roared back into contention in the third round of 2018 Players Championship today … just like the “old Tiger” from previous years who used to win every tournament — including 14 majors! — and attract the largest audiences in the history of golf. On Saturday, for the first time in a very long time, Tiger shot a seven-under 65, finishing the day with eight birdies (EIGHT!) and one bogey.

Please check your local TV listings for round four, Sunday on NBC. Go Tiger!