Holy mother of crap. How do you stuff a hamburger with an all-beef hot dog?

Happy Friday, how’s the family and shalom from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a beautiful September afternoon here in north Texas judging by what I see from the window in the study ... 78° and sunny with zero chance of rain. Absolutely perfect weather for opening day at the Texas State Fair here in Dallas. The big cattle parade is already underway downtown with cheerleaders in white cowboy boots, marching bands and bouncy twinkies with boobies and batons!

Earlier today on Fox News Donald Trump said Shimon Peres’ funeral is “rigged.”

Sam is coming home from California today. Oy, finally! To say I’ve missed my adorable string bean is the understatement of the year. To fill the time until his flight lands at 4:50 this afternoon, I’ll be: 1) working on this Howdygram post; 2) answering assorted emails from my best friend Sandi; 3) eating things; and 4) taking a nice shower with seriously hot water. All of these will be accomplished in no particular order whatsoever. Thank you.

If Sam accidentally watches a Carmen Miranda movie he could have a brain hemorrhage.

Here for your possible interest are FOUR EXCELLENT THINGS that happened at Howdygram headquarters since Sam’s been in California.

Seriously ... Donald Trump says he lost tonight’s debate due to a defective microphone.

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram since 9:30 this morning ... tweaking some colors, changing a few sidebar graphics and generally driving myself insane over shit nobody cares about except me. Mostly, though, I’m trying to forget three things: 1) that Sam is still in California visiting his friends and relatives; 2) that he ate dinner last night at Brent’s Deli (photo to follow) with a lot of relatives and free Kosher pickles; and 3) presidential politics.

Brent’s Deli in Northridge is the home of the hanging salamis. And they’ve got the best chopped liver on earth.

We’re having a wet and dismal Sunday morning at Howdygram headquarters, but I won’t complain about this for three excellent reasons: 1) we desperately need the rain; 2) I never leave the house, anyway, due to being a housebound senior citizen with mobility issues; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. At the moment there’s a line of thunderstorms rolling through here with a cold front. The high tomorrow will be 75° instead of 95°. Whoa!

Sam is living it up tonight at Universal Citywalk in Hollywood. Woo-hoo!

Happy Saturday morning to you and yours from the lonely old lady at Howdygram headquarters. Sam is in southern California visiting his friends and relatives and I’m holding down the fort with a warm, flat can of Diet Cherry 7-Up leftover from last night. It’s 10:45 a.m.

News flash! A 60-inch media console is actually big enough to hold a 68-inch flat screen TV.

So here’s what’s going on at Howdygram headquarters today ... in neatly-subtitled paragraphs with occasional pictures so you won’t get bored. Thank you.

My head feels like it’s too heavy for my neck. This is actually a very pleasant sensation.

It’s 8:45 Wednesday morning and I’m waiting for a drug bomb to explode. I accidentally took  two tablets of Metoprolol this morning instead of one ... and that’s the higher dose that made me PASS OUT a number of times when I first started taking it. Metoprolol slows my heart rate and I take it for a condition called atrial fibrillation.

Führer Donald Trump finally reveals his replacement for Obamacare insurance.

Wow, people. Just wow! As lousy as I felt yesterday with my pain level at a solid #7 and broken blood blisters on the back of my left thigh ... today I did a 180-degree flip and feel really AVERAGE! After quite a bit of sleep I’m pleased to announce that the skin on my thigh isn’t bothering me at all and I’m enjoying a pleasant late lunch of lobster ramen and an ice cold Marcytini. And a bag of sugar-free Russell Stover chocolates that Sam bought for me at Wal-Mart. I’m pretty sure life can’t get much better than this!

For the first time in several weeks I feel compelled to post a Shit-O-Meter readout.

I want very much to write a Howdygram post right now but I’m in too much goddamn pain to sit still. It’s 12:30 Friday morning, half an hour past midnight, and I’ve already taken more than enough pain meds ... BUT EVERYTHING STILL HURTS! I’m referring to the hypersensitive skin on the back of both thighs from pressure sores, blood blisters and diabetic neuropathy. This is absolutely AWFUL tonight, and for the first time in several weeks I feel compelled to post the following Shit-O-Meter readout.

A tale of dead taste buds and bursting blood blisters.

Hello, what’s new and happy Thursday from Howdygram headquarters! Today in the wee hours of the morning my various and sundry chronic health complaints include: 1) dead taste buds due to diabetic neuropathy; 2) severe knee pain; 3) a headache; and 4) BURSTING BLOOD BLISTERS on the back of my left thigh because pressure sores apparently aren’t disgusting enough. I DON’T NEED THIS, PEOPLE. As a matter of fact, I’m feeling mighty lousy right now and probably should put my feet up and watch one of the excellent movies stored on our DVR. I’m thinking Hayley Mills or The Martian (2015) starring Matt Damon. Or maybe BOTH!

Fourteen fabulous fonts and two pathetic dancers.

Good morning, how’s the family and happy Tuesday, boys and girls! As I listen to our landscapers outside whacking away at the lawn I’ve been up to my ears in thrilling new FREE FONTS from my two favorite websites, iFonts.xyz and BeFonts.com. Today’s haul is enough to choke a horse and I want to get this part of my post out of the way immediately. Thank you.

Please try my secret senior citizens’ trick for better-tasting diet soda.

I guess it’s exhausting to watch a rodeo, because Sam and David got home last night around 9:15, waved hello and went straight to bed! However Sam visited with me just long enough to describe the experience as “an Evangelical right-wing Republican tent meeting with REAL HORSE SHIT.” Yup. Welcome to Texas.

Dallas has a number of worthwhile bright spots to see. Remember the School Book Depository?

There’s big news today at Howdygram headquarters ... DAVID IS COMING FOR A VISIT! I’m referring, of course, to Sam’s younger brother, the one who lives in Scottsdale with his really sweet wife and an intensely talented dancing teenage daughter named Anna. David is visiting alone, however, which gives him some excellent time to hang out with Sam — almost four whole days, actually! — and enjoy all the bright spots of Dallas. And we really have a number of worthwhile bright spots to see! Sam and David will check out the Mesquite Championship Rodeo tonight, the JFK Museum, School Book Depository and essential dead president’s gift shop tomorrow, followed by Monday at the Fort Worth Stockyards to eat barbecue sandwiches on Texas toast and listen to mooing. Mooing is good. Trust me.

Maybe I’d better stop designing iPhone cases and learn how to speak Spanish.

Happy Thursday, boys and girls! Sam is on his way to Costco for a trunkload of our favorite must-have food products — teeny tacos, oatmeal cups, breakfast burritos, bacon-wrapped shrimp and a juicy rotisserie chicken — and I’m at home with a nice can of diet root beer. Please hold a good thought that Costco has one rotisserie chicken left for me, although it’s already after 7 p.m. so there’s probably a 90% chance that the chickens are all gone by now. I hate it when all the chickens are gone!

Buh-bye, nighty-night, sayonara, adios, shalom, zip-ah-dee-doo-dah and don’t forget to floss.

Hey, know what? I want to begin this post with a shameless plug for my adorable little shop on Zazzle: The Howdygram Store. With Apple’s big iPhone 7 launch date coming up on Wednesday I decided to spend most of the holiday weekend working on new case designs. Four fine examples appear below for your possible interest. These include: 1) a trendy pairing of aqua and white damask prints; 2) photorealistic dark natural cork; 3) a vintage floral print featuring pink and crimson roses; and 4) photorealistic natural stone. Oy, I love these!

Please pay attention because I’m running out of time.

Oy. It’s 11:58 p.m. on Labor Day ... which means I only have TWO STINKING MINUTES to upload my attractive holiday graphic!

A whole rotisserie chicken is a thoughtful and ideal gift for a housebound senior citizen.

As I write this post Sam is prowling the aisles at Costco to load up on excellent, tasty shit for our long holiday weekend. Today’s shopping list includes: 1) refrigerated chicken flautas; 2) refrigerated breakfast burritos; 3) refrigerated teeny tacos; 4) a tub of Cape Cod chicken salad; 5) gigantic Chinese chicken salad wrap sandwiches with sesame dressing; 6) tasty oatmeal cups with chopped-up fruits and nuts; 7) frozen gigantic panko-breaded shrimp; 8) frozen bacon-wrapped shrimp with real toothpicks and a fascinating semi-Asian chili sauce; 9) a large take-and-bake supreme pizza from the refrigerated food case; and 10) a whole rotisserie chicken JUST FOR YOURS TRULY because Sam won’t eat chicken with any bones in it. (Don’t ask.)

You don’t have to be a breathing fossil to sign up for Consumer Cellular.

I’ve got a number of significant news items to share with you this morning. As per my usual style I’ll present them to you in neatly-subtitled paragraphs. You’re welcome.

Everybody at DirecTV is a stinking psychopath.

You know what? I really didn’t plan to write about this again [see previous post] but I saw a news item online yesterday that changed my mind. Ready for this? Former Texas Governor Rick “Dumbass” Perry will join Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick), Vanilla Ice and disgraced Olympian Ryan Lochte on season 23 of ABC-TV’s “Dancing with the Total Losers.” I honestly can’t think of anything more likely to make me puke than Rick Perry — or douchebag Ryan Lochte either, for that matter! — in sequined pants trying to do the mambo. Holy crap.