Friday, November 28, 2014

Are you shopping? Are you spending? Are you having any fun?

So here’s what’s happening at 4 a.m. on the day after Thanksgiving: NOTHING WHATSOEVER. I tried going to bed a couple of hours ago but that didn’t work out very well; I got up about 30 minutes later and moved my carcass into the study to read, horse around online and drink a Marcytini. I figure I’ll hang out here and annoy you until I’m ready to get some sleep, maybe another hour or so. (You can thank me later.)

In keeping with the spirit of Thanksgiving I’ve got a classic video clip from Macy’s parade back in 1997 when Barney blew up and plunged to the pavement like a pathetic purple Hindenburg. I wonder how many five-year-olds wound up in therapy from this. Oh, the humanity ...

For your possible interest I finally managed to squeeze in two stinking hours of sleep this morning, bringing us now to 8:15 a.m. and my list of complaints du jour. They include: 1) electric shocks in my toes and heels; 2) aching legs and joint pain; 3) low body temperature; and 4) a general feeling of overall shittiness that may require multiple naps and a minimum of two Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow Santas. All of these ailments, incidentally, are directly related to diabetes except for item two, which could be the onset of a mystery virus. And how are YOU today? I’ll be accepting your email health reports until 10 a.m. Central time. Thank you.

Happy Black Friday, everybody. ARE YOU SHOPPING? ARE YOU SPENDING? ARE YOU HAVING ANY FUN? Did you sleep in a parking lot last night to snag a cheesy half-price TV? I don’t buy holiday presents for anybody (not even for Sam) but if I did I’d do my shopping online because I don’t have to wear shoes or a brassiere, I don’t have to fight for a handicapped parking spot and I don’t have to stand in line. All of which would be impossible, anyway, due to MOBILITY ISSUES and I haven’t been inside a store for years. Also who the hell wants to do THIS (see below) ... a 2014 Black Friday crush of stampeding customers at Urban Outfitters at an unnamed mall somewhere in America. Holy crap.

Thank you for reading this. I need a bag of Pop Secret for breakfast followed by my first nap of the day.

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