Sunday, October 12, 2014

Fine dining and wholesome family entertainment are the hallmark of Howdygram headquarters.

Know what? Lots and lots of REALLY EXCITING CRAP is happening around here this week! To prevent an outbreak of general hysteria maybe I’d better organize my thoughts into neatly-subtitled paragraphs for your reading pleasure.

THERE’S A SHITLOAD OF WEATHER ON THE WAY. Starting tonight at midnight we’re expecting 10 hours of very heavy thunderstorms — some might be severe with damaging winds and extremely noisy boomers — and a ton of desperately-needed rain. At least TWO INCHES, followed by much cooler weather starting tomorrow because it’s October, damn it, and we’re sick to death of summer already. In case you’re interested, says tonight’s storms in Texas will be so huge they’re going to pre-empt their regularly-scheduled shitty programming to bring you LIVE COVERAGE. Send an email if you see me on TV, okay?

WE’RE WELCOMING A NEW COFFEE TABLE. It’s the one we ordered from last week after the table in our family room gave my big toe a bloody nose. I’m just NOT going to put up with that kind of continuing abuse from inanimate objects any more, so EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY all future furniture purchases will be asked to sign non-aggression pacts.
EBOLA IS THE HOTTEST NEW FAD IN DALLAS. Am I a genius, or what? Back on October 2 I wrote a Howdygram post that Dallas would never be able to contain Ebola ... and it turns out I was right. A health care worker at Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital (where Thomas Eric Duncan died) has it now, and the CDC fully expects other employees to wind up with it, too. I’d also be willing to bet on a few luckless relatives. Watch this space for more information.
AN ONSLAUGHT OF CHOCOLATE. A few days ago during an especially lousy hypoglycemic episode I ordered myself a truckload of sugar-free chocolate from Russell Stover, including two bags of peanut butter cups, one bag of Mounds knockoffs, one bag of mint patties and a case of 36 chocolate-covered marshmallow pumpkins. HOLY CRAP! Everything should be here by Wednesday. I can’t wait.
And now it’s probably time to rustle up some grub for dinner — for me, a cold leftover hot dog from Five Guys and a bowl of Wal-Mart popcorn — and enjoy tonight’s episode of “Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Fine dining and wholesome family entertainment are the hallmark of Howdygram headquarters.

Thank you for reading this.

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