Super Bowl Sunday is America’s annual showcase of brain-damaged gladiators.

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning, I feel surprisingly okay and not like a zombie, and I’m here to do some Howdygrammin’. It’s your lucky day!

Every time you vote Republican, an asshole gets its wings.

There are a bazillion interesting things to write about today if I can stay awake long enough to write them! My new meds — Gabapentin, Eliquis and Metoprolol — have definitely made a clear and compelling difference in my ability to compose cogent sentences and sometimes I can’t even get my fingers on the right keys. Please bear with me. I’m a wreck.

Save a pretzel for the gas jets!

First of all, boys and girls, please check out the following screen shot of Howdygram headquarters’ local forecast yesterday on Weather.com and cry into your Cheerios. It just doesn’t get more swell than this even if you live in Florida, southern California or Oz.

Breaking news: I can’t stay awake long enough to microwave a stinking can of tamales.

There are THREE OFFICIAL REASONS why something is seriously wrong with me, and they are outlined for you below in neat, titled paragraphs.

Sarah Palin. What the fuck is she talking about?

Hello from Howdygramland. It’s late afternoon and I’m attempting to stay awake between naps with a Marcytini to keep me company. I have to admit, I’m loving my new pain medication because it totally knocks me out. God bless Gabapentin, people. I LOVE THIS SHIT.

Introducing Marcy’s Easy French Dip and Fast Jus for Senior Citizens with No Rolls and Crippled Knees.

I’ve got THREE FASCINATING THINGS to share with y’all today, but I’ll begin with our glorious four-day forecast here at Howdygram headqarters. It’s an especially nice forecast for this time of year and an early Valentine’s Day present from the National Weather Service, particularly when you consider the life-threatening blizzard-of-the-century that’s heading for New York City. Please check it out below and wave like a maniac if you agree with me. (Thank you.)

Ernie Banks was goddamn adorable.

While Sam is at Wal-Mart picking up prescriptions I’ve decided to hang out in the study and write this Howdygram post. I don’t think I’ll be able to finish it, however, due to my morning meds making me feel loopy and inebriated AND I NEED A BIG NAP.

I treated myself to a fun new fashion accessory today. It’s the Handy-Dandy Senior Citizen Leg-Shlepper!

Hi, people. This is a happy day at Howdygram headquarters due to finally taking a new prescription medication — Gabapentin — that really relieves a lot of my pain. I FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON. Gabapentin also makes me sleepy, sluggish, blurry and slow, but I can live with that. I have nowhere to go, I don’t drive, I’m not entered in a race and nobody gives a shit if I’m cockeyed.

Kill me now. I haven’t slept since Tuesday.

THURSDAY, 7:15 A.M. I hope you don’t think I’m joking about this because I’m NOT. I can’t get comfortable, I can’t fall asleep and I’m not even especially tired. Trouble is, when I don’t sleep I run into all kinds of unexpected health issues, such as elevated blood sugar numbers, increased pain in my legs and a severe lack of motivation to make soup. I’m pretty damn miserable right now and the weather outside isn’t helping much because it’s 39°, windy and pouring rain. For your possible interest the teeny red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters but don’t bother to zoom in because I’m crabby, my hair is a mess and I don’t feel like waving to you or to anybody else. Thank you.

At last, I have a new and exciting medical condition!

Let’s talk about getting kicked in the shins, okay? This morning’s appointment with Dr. M lasted THREE FUCKING HOURS and included a lot of waiting, lab work, more waiting, a flu shot, more waiting, an EKG, more waiting, a consultation with the cardiologist (Dr. Singh) and the diagnosis, at last, of a new and exciting medical condition — ATRIAL FIBRILLATION — that we’ll begin treating immediately with two new drugs, Coumadin and Metoprolol so I won’t have a stroke and scare the shit out of Sam. This is in addition to another medication that Dr. M prescribed — Gabapentin — to help relieve my never-ending pain from diabetic neuropathy. Regarding follow-up, in two weeks I have to see Dr. Singh at his office in Rockwall for an echocardiogram, so I guess this means I officially have a cardiologist now. (Personally, I’d rather have a new TV.) Holy crap.

This is why God invented wheelchairs.

It’s 5 a.m. and I’m wide awake. This doesn’t exactly piss me off, however, because I enjoyed three seriously intense naps on Tuesday, the last one ending at sometime after midnight while Sam and I watched Roman Holiday (1953) starring Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck. I guess there’s only one real downside to being awake right now: I can’t go back to bed if I get tired because I’ve got an appointment with Dr. M at 8:45. Also I’m having a hypoglycemic episode. (It’s always something, isn’t it?)

President Obama’s State of the Union address is a very big hoo-hah and you shouldn’t miss it.

Hi, guys. It’s Monday night, I’m suitably rested, fed and showered, Sam will be home from work sometime during the next half-hour and I’ve got an exciting announcement to share with you: I’VE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH OF NEW FONTS! I realize that I pretended to kick my addiction back in 2013 but I hope you’ll understand that I flat-out lied about it. I’ve been collecting fonts since 1986 and I guess the damn things are in my blood. For the record, most of these were free but I actually paid money for Extra! Extra! and Doran Comics during Comicraft’s New Year’s Eve sale because what the hell, why not? Seriously, if Sam doesn’t mind, why should you?

Senatorial chicken-hawk Lindsey Graham is our latest Putz of the Week.

This has been a subdued and peculiar day around here highlighted by a number of sequential naps in various rooms of the house, interesting movies, occasional food and no motivation to write a Howdygram post until about five minutes ago. In case you’re looking for specifics, the interesting movies were The Master of Ballentrae (1953) starring Errol Flynn and Roger Livesey, Ruggles of Red Gap (1935) starring Charles Laughton and Roland Young, and For the Defense (1930) starring William Powell and Kay Francis; the occasional food included a Sausage McMuffin for breakfast and a smattering of teeny tacos from Costco between naps during the afternoon. At the moment I’m mighty hungry and considering a variety of options, nearly all of them featuring a substantial quantity of pizza.

We have no plans for Sunday whatsoever except for rinsing off a bunch of dishes in the kitchen sink.

Truth be told, Saturday wasn’t so hot around here. I was in a semi-shitty mood throughout the morning due to an unexplained migraine the night before, I had a crappy overall level of knee pain all day long, and then, just for fun and at no additional charge, sometime around midnight I smashed my right foot into the bathroom door jam and split a toenail. To make matters worse, the erroneous meatballs I received yesterday from Artizone [see my last post] were REPULSIVE. For the outrageous price of $12, the vendor — who deserves to be FLOGGED — gives you eight spongy little one-inch meatballs floating in a a puddle of cheap pasta sauce. If I actually had to pay for that crap I would’ve demanded my money back. Even half a cup of parmesan cheese didn’t help.

The true story of missing meatloaf and a tin of complimentary fuck-up potatoes.

This turned out to be not such a hot day, Artizone-wise. They delivered my food order [see previous post] right on time, just like always, except today was fraught with disaster. I’ll back up and start at the beginning so you’ll know what’s what, okay?