Every time you vote Republican, an asshole gets its wings.

There are a bazillion interesting things to write about today if I can stay awake long enough to write them! My new meds — Gabapentin, Eliquis and Metoprolol — have definitely made a clear and compelling difference in my ability to compose cogent sentences and sometimes I can’t even get my fingers on the right keys. Please bear with me. I’m a wreck.

My first order of business is a Howdygram introduction to the 2016 GOP’s Clown Car ... the usual, time-tested assortment of right-wing shitwits threatening to run for president as of January 30, 2014.

I actually created this graphic Thursday night but had to make a couple of last-minute changes due to Mitt Romney opting OUT and Donald Trump and Lindsey Graham opting IN. With or without them, though, I’ve never seen such a sorry collection of douchebags in my entire life.

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Next, I’d like to encourage y’all to enter our ABSURD WINTER GIVEAWAY, featuring a couple of stupid yet strangely appealing FREE PRIZES for no reason whatsoever!

It’s really easy to enter and also really fast. Just click here to get started and we’ll let you know on February 6 if — and what — you’ve won. Good luck!

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I’ve got two breaking news stories from The World’s Worst-Kept Secrets Department. Story number one: Former Olympic champion and Wheaties poster boy Bruce Jenner is getting set to document his official transition to a woman named Brucilla via — what else?— his own reality show on national television later this year. The only part of that statement I might be kidding about is the name “Brucilla” because the rest of it is not bullshit. Story number two: Adorable Oscar-winner Joel Grey has announced at last that he’s a gay man at the age of 82 even though nobody in their right mind ever really thought the cute little dude was straight. I’m just saying.

And so the Howdygram sends best wishes and a big fat MAZEL TOV to both of them for whatever the hell they really want to be.

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I think I forgot to mention that Sam is heading back to California a week from tomorrow. Oy, right? This time it’s for an eight-day visit focused on cleaning out the garage at his parents’ house so he and his siblings can get the property ready to sell, and I’ll be here in Texas guarding the proverbial fort at Howdygram headquarters. To prepare for Sam’s absence I just put through a “hold” request with the post office due to my mobility issues making it impossible to shlep myself to the curb to bring in the mail every day, and then I placed a nice big order with Schwan’s so our freezer will be packed with my favorite frozen whatnots plus a pair of good-lookin’ doozies I haven’t tried before, namely the Buffalo Chicken Bites and the Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits. I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED I CAN HARDLY STAND IT.

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I think that’s about it for now, people, since it’s already 8:15 p.m. and high time for a nice hot shower and a big plate of something terrific for dinner. Have yourself a pleasant evening and shut the light when you’re done here, okay?