News from Clots “R” Us, Howdygram headquarters’ do-it-yourself blood clot clinic.

Oy. Happy Monday, everybody, from hot and sticky Texas. I just woke up abruptly from an after-lunch nap and I’m not feeling so good in any way whatsoever. Maybe I should put together a comprehensive whine list so you’ll know what the fuck is going on around here.

You never realize how big your house is until you can’t walk any more.

I’m having “mouse issues.” My wireless Apple mouse is skipping, getting stuck, locking up, acting jerky and generally driving me insane. I almost ordered a new one last night from Amazon for $65.99 but decided to hold off for a while until I try a variety of other remedies. First up, at Sam’s suggestion, DITCH MY VERY OLD MOUSE PAD — even though it’s really adorable with his baby picture on it — and just use the mouse on the surface of my desk. I guess it’s worth a shot. Stay tuned for further developments but please feel free to continue your usual Sunday routine in the meantime. (Thank you.)

Mike Ditka has an eight-inch sausage.

Oy, what a nap. I just spent SIX GLORIOUS HOURS on the chaise in the family room without moving a muscle. While this might sound like a really good idea, there are also a bunch of negatives: 1) I didn’t get any lunch; 2) I never took any of my lunch-time meds; 3) I missed two doses of my prescription painkiller; and 4) when I finally woke up I HAD TO PEE LIKE A RACE HORSE. (Probably Secretariat.) In any event, it’s good to be alive.

Be careful what you choose for a snack.

Do you ever wonder who reads the Howdygram besides you? The answer is, LOTS OF PEOPLE! In case you have a few fucks to give, within the last 48 hours the Howdygram has welcomed international visitors from: Budapest, Hungary; St. John’s, Newfoundland; Canterbury, United Kingdom; Mexico; Burnaby, British Columbia; Berlin, Germany; New South Wales, Australia; Oran, Algeria; Melbourne, Australia; San José, Costa Rica; Hobart, Tasmania*; Newmarket, Ontario; Petaling Jaya, Malaysia; Parañaque, Philippines; Nassau, Bahamas; East Sussex, United Kingdom; and Fajardo, Puerto Rico. *Birthplace of Errol Flynn.

Dear Barstool Palin: Go shoot a few mooses and STFU.

I am grieved to report another very, very shitty night’s sleep, maybe the worst experience EVER. I seem to be going through another episode of intense chronic pain and it even hurts like hell to toss and turn in bed. I would’ve just gotten up and migrated into the study. Unfortunately it hurts like hell to WALK, too, so I laid there like a sweaty zombie and MOANED OUT LOUD FOR FOUR FUCKING HOURS.

Thrilling highlights from the second GOP presidential debate.

It’s 5:15 a.m. and I’m upside-down. I fell asleep on the chaise in the family room last night around 11 p.m. AND I JUST WOKE UP. Going to bed at this point is futile because I’m totally wide awake and I’d rather write a Howdygram post now, anyway. Is this your lucky day, or what?

Ridiculous love scenes on film: Dustin Hoffman tries to make a sexy-face at Vanessa Redgrave’s chin.

Hello. It’s 6:45 Wednesday afternoon and I’m running a low-grade fever. The only “plus” is, at least now I know why my joints feel like shit. I’ve been aching more than usual for the last couple of days and woke up this morning feeling like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. The only thing that could make me feel better — aside from a large dose of prescription painkillers — is Chinese food. I was hoping to try a hole-in-the-wall on Gus Thomasson Road called Mr. Teriyaki (somebody left a full-color menu with pictures taped to our front door) except I just found out online THEY CAN’T PASS A HEALTH INSPECTION. Thank God for the Internet! Therefore I’ll have to fall back on my two favorite Chinese restaurants, China City and King China. Of the two, King China has an edge because they have a lot more vegetable dishes like Szechwan String Beans. I LOVE SZECHWAN STRING BEANS!

Even diabetics get attacked by a sweet tooth once in a while.

I was supposed to have an appointment this morning with my cardiologist, Dr. Singh, pictured at right in his best hat. It was just a routine six-month checkup thing to make sure my meds are working nicely (they are) and I’m still alive (I am). I do have one heart-related complaint, however: I’M ALWAYS SHORT OF BREATH. This began a few months ago as an occasional side effect ... and now I have to deal with it almost all the time. I have atrial fibrillation.

I’m definitely in favor of not washing a dish. Ask anybody.

Sam and his brother David — he’s visiting for the weekend! yay! — are in the kitchen eating waffles and coffee, and I’m in the study with an ice cold Diet Sunkist soda and Mountain House scrambled eggs in a bag with bacon. No kidding, people, these Mountain House freeze-dried whatnots are OUTSTANDING. It’s probably more economical to buy the giant gallon cans of this shit but then you’d have to wash a dish afterwards. I’m definitely in favor of NOT washing a dish. Ask anybody.

More senior citizen food reviews and the Howdygram’s new five-chopper rating system.

Happy Friday night to you and yours from the editorial staff at Howdygram headquarters. Sam and I just spent most of the evening hanging a huge arrangement of Marks family photos in the study. It took a couple of weeks for me to scan, restore, print and frame them; Sam did a stellar job hanging them all. What a good-looking bunch of people! Included here are siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents and a swimming pool.

A salmonella outbreak has been linked to attractive 10-inch cucumbers imported from Mexico.

See? I didn’t forget to write a Howdygram post today after all. I’m right here at my desk in the study with a great big icy glass of Diet Sunkist orange soda. And before I forget, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO SAM AND ME. Yesterday was our ninth wedding anniversary! If you want to send a check or a present please contact me immediately for our shipping address. Thank you in advance for your generosity.

What the fuck ... I’m retired!

I’m not having an especially terrific week. The biggest issue — as usual — is PAIN, this time involving my shitty knees, my shitty feet, my shitty recurring rash and stiffness in my shitty right shoulder and upper arm. THIS SUCKS, PEOPLE. And adding to this mess is an ongoing problem with shortness of breath. Basically I drag myself around the house whining, crying, swearing like a sailor and gasping for air ... probably the most repulsive sight on God’s green earth not counting Donald Trump.

Let’s get a pizza and celebrate.

Hi. It’s me. I just realized I forgot to write a Howdygram post on Friday — horrors! — and then let Saturday slip away from me, too. I am without excuse, I suppose, not counting chronic pain, extra naps, horsing around with Sam and enjoying a first Face Time experience with my best girlfriend in Chicago who thinks I still look like I’m in high school. (Apparently she wasn’t wearing her glasses.) Anyway, I’ve got a variety of topics and news updates to share with you tonight so I’m thinking I’ll just do my favorite neat little indented paragraphs with subheads. Thank you.

Two things: 1) I went to the doctor this morning; and 2) I just saved us $25,000.

Happy Thursday afternoon from Howdygram headquarters! This has been a day of remarkable accomplishments for yours truly, which I’ll list for you below in neat subtitled paragraphs, with photos and illustrations whenever possible. Thank you.

Barstool Palin, America’s shriekiest serial unwed mother, weighs in on the “Denali” brouhaha.

It’s a HUGE WEEK around here for this hungry senior citizen, because all the Mountain House freeze-dried meals I ordered from Wal-Mart and CampSaver.com will be arriving via FedEx today and tomorrow! You may remember my Howdygram post from August 29 when I explained that Sam will be out of town for a few days at the end of this month and I’ll be on my own for meal preparation ... but that’s NOT a good thing because my overall mobility is so fucking shot to hell now that I can’t stand up long enough to nuke two corn dogs. That’s when I Googled and discovered Mountain House freeze-dried entrees for campers senior citizens. Just pour hot water into the foil pouch, zip it shut, wait a few minutes and PRESTO BLAMMO ... real food with gravy! I ordered all of the following entrees this week in addition to a set of plastic salt & pepper shakers and a lightweight measuring cup for my desk in the study in case I can’t haul my ass into the kitchen. That’s a very long walk when you’re dealing with pain issues. I’m not kidding, either.