You never realize how big your house is until you can’t walk any more.

I’m having “mouse issues.” My wireless Apple mouse is skipping, getting stuck, locking up, acting jerky and generally driving me insane. I almost ordered a new one last night from Amazon for $65.99 but decided to hold off for a while until I try a variety of other remedies. First up, at Sam’s suggestion, DITCH MY VERY OLD MOUSE PAD — even though it’s really adorable with his baby picture on it — and just use the mouse on the surface of my desk. I guess it’s worth a shot. Stay tuned for further developments but please feel free to continue your usual Sunday routine in the meantime. (Thank you.)

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Next Saturday Sam leaves for a six-day trip to southern California. As a housebound senior citizen with a shitload of chronic pain and mobility problems this means I’ll have to buck up to manage on my own while he’s gone with nobody around to make my meals, pick up shit that falls on the floor, bring me little Jell-O cups with a teaspoon, tuck me in, pet my head or retrieve missing slippers. So I’ve put together a list that will help me function without Sam’s help because it won’t be easy. Here’s what I’m planning:

AVOID STARVATION AT ALL COSTS. My shitty knees and feet make it nearly impossible to walk, stand, nuke a goddamn hot dog or carry anything whatsoever from room to room because my balance sucks and I need a cane to keep me from tipping over. Therefore, just in case I can’t drag myself into the kitchen to look for food two or three times a day, I plan to stock the study with bags of freeze-dried Mountain House entrees for senior citizens, a pile of big disposable spoons, an electric tea kettle (to boil water) and a measuring cup so I can eat at my desk and not starve to death. Two of my favorite entrees appear below. (I also love Biscuits & Gravy.)

You can buy Mountain House freeze-dried meals all over the Internet but the best prices I’ve found are on Amazon and Wal-Mart.

A CHANGE OF CLOTHES. I’ve asked Sam to hang a couple of my clean robes in the study in case I can’t make it to the walk-in closet in the master bedroom. You never realize how big your house is until you can’t walk any more!

A FRIENDLY FACE AT REGULAR INTERVALS ... WITH HER OWN KEY. I want our maid to stop by two times while Sam’s away to make sure I’m okay, maybe straighten up the bed, wash a couple of dishes and take out the garbage. Isidra’s a sweetheart who’s been cleaning our house every other Wednesday for eight years and I plan to give her a key to the front door. However, we’ll set up her visits for specific times on specific days so I’ll know when she’s coming and I won’t have to spend all week locking the bathroom door when I pee and wondering if somebody’s in the house when I’m taking a shower.

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Turns out that gorgeous Splendide “Italia” stainless flatware I ordered from Overstock.com a few days ago was a lot different than the flatware they advertised. It’s NOT top-quality 18/10 stainless steel ... because each individual piece is stamped 18/0! The type was so tiny I had to send Sam out to the patio in bright sunlight to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. WHAT A BUNCH OF GODDAMN SNEAKY CROOKS! Splendide sells dozens of flatware styles on Overstock and all of them are advertised as 18/10. I wonder how many customers take the time to examine the stamp on the actual flatware to find out they’ve been scammed. I’m returning this crap immediately.

Thank you for reading this. I need a nap now.