Mike Ditka has an eight-inch sausage.

Oy, what a nap. I just spent SIX GLORIOUS HOURS on the chaise in the family room without moving a muscle. While this might sound like a really good idea, there are also a bunch of negatives: 1) I didn’t get any lunch; 2) I never took any of my lunch-time meds; 3) I missed two doses of my prescription painkiller; and 4) when I finally woke up I HAD TO PEE LIKE A RACE HORSE. (Probably Secretariat.) In any event, it’s good to be alive.

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It’s your lucky day, wannabe Chicagoans ... get TEN BUCKS OFF your favorite Ditka sausages and Vienna bagel dogs when you shop for the most incredible food on earth at ViennaBeef.com. Pay particular attention to the description of Chicago legend Mike Ditka’s proud sausage and have a little fun figuring out what the fuck Vienna’s copywriter was really trying to say. Seriously, a juicy one-third pound sausage that’s eight inches long DOES NOT MAKE ME THINK ABOUT LUNCH. Thank you.

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As long as I’m waxing poetic about Chicago I thought I’d include the following little hoo-hah that sums me up perfectly:

It’s not the Willis Tower, it’s the Sears Tower. I don’t wear sneakers, I wear gym shoes. I don’t drink soda, I drink pop. I don’t go to the movies, I go to the show. Where I’m from is determined by north, south, east or west. I’m from the city with the best pizza, the best hot dogs and the best gyros. I have taken the train, the “L” and the subway at the same time without even leaving my seat. Forty degrees isn’t cold. My basketball team has six rings. My football team did the Super Bowl Shuffle. Your tall buildings don’t impress me. Your country living don’t move me. I don’t need to put my city on a hat to tell you where I’m from ... the way I move explains enough. I’M FROM CHICAGO AND I LOVE IT!

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Those of you following the Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis Is A Idiot story will be pleased to know she’s probably heading back to the slammer in a day or two. An attorney for Deputy Clerk Brian Mason reported that Kim Davis continued her reign of terror when she returned to work on September 14 — after serving five days in the jail — by disobeying a federal court order. Davis confiscated Rowan County’s official marriage license forms and replaced them with a meaningless piece of crap that deleted her name and all mentions of the county. It’s possible she’s being encouraged by GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, who never misses a good photo op with racist shitbags.

But wait ... there’s more! On September 16 Kim lost another round in a federal appeals court requesting to be blocked from a Governor’s order to comply with the Supreme Court’s decision on same sex marriage. This obnoxious little clown just won’t give up!

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Thank you for reading this.