I really want to take a nap after I pee and eat lunch.

It’s 9:15 Friday morning and Sam has a 10 a.m. flight to Phoenix. Unfortunately he’s inching along in gridlock Dallas traffic trying to get to Love Field Airport, because we had another five inches of rain overnight and most of our main thorofares have turned into FUCKING RIVERS.

Here’s a handy-dancy Dallas street map so you can see how far Sam is traveling to get to the airport. He decided to take surface streets rather than freeways today because it’s rush hour and a lot of underpasses and service roads are closed due to high water. I don’t think surface streets were much better, though, so that’s why it’s taking so damn long to get where he’s going. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Love Field Airport.

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And now it’s time for something completely different. I’d like to reintroduce you to Kory Watkins, the Texas gun-humper who’s once again DEMANDING THE EXECUTION OF ELECTED OFFICIALS over a stalled bill that would allow the open carry of handguns absolutely everywhere, including schools, public parks, stores, restaurants, bars and churches. Because Jesus wore a holster.

The Texas House appeared close to passing the legislation, but law enforcement groups persuaded lawmakers Wednesday to remove a provision that would prevent police from asking those carrying weapons for their licenses if there was no other reason to stop them. When the measure was sent back to a bipartisan conference committee for revision, Watkins and his pals from Open Carry Texas had a stroke and demanded action against unsupportive legislators.

Watkins, who is evidently a sick little fuck who skipped a few doses of Xanax, also posted a YouTube video in February that called for the execution of state lawmakers for following legislative procedures that he believed had delayed the passage of open carry laws. “I don’t know if they forgot what their duty is, but that’s to protect the Constitution,” Watkins said in the video. “And let me remind you, going against the Constitution is treason, and that’s punishable by death. That’s how serious this is. We should be demanding these people give us our rights back, or it’s PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. Treason!”

So Watkins loves the Constitution dearly? He forgot the last half of that sentence: “especially the parts that allow me to be an unhinged jackass and scare the shit out of everybody else.” I wonder how Texas’ elected officials feel about mental health background checks NOW.

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It’s 12:30, and Sam’s flight landed in Phoenix on time about 15 minutes ago. I’d like to hang out at my desk indefinitely and wait for him to call me on FaceTime but three pressing issues are forcing me to make other plans as soon as possible. They are: 1) I really want to pee; 2) I really want to eat lunch; and 3) I really want to take a nap after I pee and eat lunch. I’ll be back later, okay? Thank you for reading this!