Sam has only been gone for six hours and I already hate this very much.

Boy, what a day. Sam is on his way to Los Angeles for his mother’s funeral as I write this post, but from the minute we woke up this morning at 7 — actually, HE woke up; I never went to sleep — it was nonstop pandemonium in Howdygramland trying to reschedule all the last-minute travel arrangements we made for him last night before bed. For those of you might give a crap, here’s the basic timeline.

9:00 A.M. American Airlines calls to offer Sam an earlier flight to L.A. and a free upgrade to first class, switching from Flight 3572 departing at 3:05 p.m. with a stop in Fayetteville, Arkansas — HOLY CRAP! WAL-MART’S WORLD HEADQUARTERS IS IN FAYETTEVILLE! — to Flight 2479 departing at 2:35 p.m. And it’s nonstop. Sam accepts. The airline will send an email confirmation and a thrillling new e-ticket in 30 minutes.

9:05 A.M. We call Super Shuttle to reschedule Sam’s van pickup to DFW Airport. They switch him from 12:30 p.m. to 11:20 a.m.

9:06 A.M. Sam goes to the bank to get travel cash and picks up his dry cleaning.

9:20 A.M. Sam calls Budget to let them know he’ll be arriving at LAX three hours earlier to pick up his rental car. For an inexplicable reason they tell him his price for a nine-day rental has dropped. Yay, right?

9:25 A.M. Sam eats a Clif bar. The new e-ticket arrives. I start printing Sam’s travel confirmations.

10:00 A.M. I reschedule our medical appointments (originally January 7 and 9) for two weeks later, since Sam can’t go to a Texas dentist if he’s in California and I can’t get to the doctor unless Sam takes me. (I’m an elderly shlepper.)

10:28 A.M. My sister-in-law Tammy calls to offer Sam her extra car while he’s in town so we cancel the reservation with Budget and save $249 (even with two AARP discounts).

10:30 A.M. Sam makes an online reservation with the Flyaway shuttle bus in Los Angeles to get him from LAX to a dropoff point in Van Nuys during the Friday afternoon rush hour. Tammy will pick him up in Van Nuys.

11:20 A.M. The Super Shuttle is on time and a ton of fast smooching ensues.

1:08 P.M. I’m sound asleep in the family room when Sam tries to reach me on Face Time from the airport in Dallas, but I’ll definitely be conscious when calls later from L.A. Sam has only been gone for six hours and I already hate this very much.

For the record, last night was insane around here, too. I was still folding laundry at 1 a.m. while Sam went to Wal-Mart to buy me English muffins, pepper jack cheese, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and teeny bottles of Coke Zero for the mini fridge in the study. You know, EMERGENCY PROVISIONS.

In case you need an illustration to follow the all the action, the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) our Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market grocery store; and C) Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport. It’s 35 miles from here and REALLY BIG.

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It’s 6:10 p.m. and the weather here in Texas is a very shitty 40° with pouring rain. Sam’s flight touched down in Los Angeles three minutes ago and I will amuse myself with Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow Santas while I wait for his call on Face Time. Immediately afterwards I’ll treat myself to a hot shower because I’M FREEZING TO DEATH and then attempt to retrieve the carton from Netrition.com — a million bags of low-carb pasta! — that UPS just left at the front door.

Unfortunately, I just found out that the other delivery I was expecting today (from Amazon) has been waylayed by the post office. See, whenever Sam goes out of town I have to arrange for the post office to hold our mail due to yours truly not being able to walk to the curb to empty the mailbox, which means we won’t have any mail delivered until Monday, January 12, and I won’t get to eat my Keystone canned meat for senior citizens and Harmony House dehydrated vegetables. THIS REALLY STINKS, PEOPLE.

Thank you. Stay warm.