The Howdygram 2: I’m determined to start walking again all by myself before Tuesday so I can fire my physical therapist. I hate him.

WEDNESDAY, 8:20 P.M., 4/25/2018. I’ve had another very weird, very stressful day. Most of it was peppered with bouts of uncontrollable pishing … every 45 minutes from 11 a.m. this morning until almost 5 in the afternoon. By the time it all subsided I was so goddamn exhausted I could barely move any more. And then, an hour later, around 6 p.m. when I started eating dinner, all of a sudden I felt like I was burning up, so Sam took my temperature and it was REALLY HIGH, such as 99.8°. And keep in mind that 99.8° is really high for moi because my normal body temperature is typically 96.5°.

So here I am … running a fever, burning up, craving pudding and feeling like total crap. Sam and I are watching Arizona (1940) starring William Holden and Jean Arthur. I’ve never seen this one before … what a treat! Willian Holden is maybe 21 years old and as cute as can be.

THURSDAY, 9:18 A.M., 4/26/2018. I’m feeling better today, sitting on the sofa and waiting for my physical therapist to show up. He’s due at 10 a.m., because this time I made him commit to an actual appointment rather than “I think I can be there tomorrow.” I hate that shit. I realize that I’m just a housebound old coot, but there are other things going on in my life besides physical therapy twice a week! We have maid service on Wednesdays, occasional visits from my Baylor HouseCalls team, appointments with my visiting podiatrist and visiting dentist ... and this week Sam is walking the neighbor’s dog twice a day at 10 and 4. So there are lots of other hoo-hahs happening here at Howdygram headquarters and I’m not going to let any fancy-ass physical therapist — who looks like Cesar Millan from that dopey “The Dog Whisperer” TV show — act like he’s more important than I am. We’re scheduling these sessions at MY convenience, Juan … not YOURS.

Which brings me to another topic altogether. Sam and I have discussed this a number of times … CUSTOMER SERVICE IS A LOST ART. Nobody knows how to treat a client any more, or how to make a client feel valuable, special and important to your business. This actually involves all kinds of things, such as: 1) getting disconnected when you’re on hold; 2) not returning a phone call; 3) taking more than week to ship an online order; 4) making your client call repeatedly to check the status of a refund; 5) being discourteous on the phone; and 6) telling a client “I’ll get back to you,” but you never do. We’ve experienced all of the above … and it makes us sick.

But I also want to interject that Wal-Mart, Costco and Amazon know how to train their employees and teach them how to keep customers happy. Especially Amazon. They process a refund before you return your package, issue gift cards if there’s been any kind of inconvenience, and frequently let you keep an item you want to return because it costs them more to pay for return shipping than to give the item away. That happened to us with a beautiful upholstered accent bench we ordered for the front foyer. There was a flaw in the fabric on one side and I wanted to return it because for $249 I thought I deserved a bench without flaws. Amazon refunded my money and told me to keep the bench … so we turned it around with the flawed side facing the wall!

THURSDAY, 9:15 P.M. The big news today? In case you’ve been hiding under a rock since breakfast, this morning in a Pennsylvania courtroom BILL COSBY WAS FOUND GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES. Woo-hoo!

Serial rapist Bill Cosby has finally been found guilty of all charges.

A jury found Cosby guilty of three counts of aggravated indecent assault for drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand at his home in a Philadelphia suburb in 2004. The 80-year-old jackass faces up to 10 years in prison on each count. Cosby will probably serve them concurrently because he’s such an old fart and also blind, but a sentencing hearing has not yet been scheduled and Cosby remains out on bail.

Minutes after the verdict, prosecutors asked the judge to revoke Cosby’s bail because he’s a flight risk and has a private plane. Cosby, who didn’t testify in the trial and had been quiet throughout the proceedings, stood up and yelled in a booming voice: “He doesn’t have a plane, you asshole!”

Always a class act.

I have to make a confession: I HATE MY PHYSICAL THERAPIST. My appointment this morning was a total disaster in every way possible for the following reasons:

He’s an arrogant jerk.
He’s always sarcastic with me.
After I told him I couldn’t do the standing-up stretches he recommended this morning, he got snotty and said: “Then why am I here?!”
Sam can’t stand him, either.
At one point today he stood in front of me while I was seated on the sofa and ordered me to stand up. I told him I was too self-conscious to stand up with somebody in my face like that, and Sam explained that he always stands behind me or out of my view so I don’t get nervous. But Juan refused to accept that and said, “If I can’t watch you stand up I can’t help you.” So I said, “I don’t need your help standing up. I need your help WALKING.” What a POS. Jesus. I hate him.
I’m determined to start walking again all by myself before my next appointment on Tuesday so I can fire this jerk.

Thank you for reading this and please remember the Alamo whenever possible.