Sam and I are enjoying a nice quiet evening at home, which is pretty much exactly like every other evening around here.

MONDAY, 9:08 A.M. Okay, fine … I’ll begin with a quick update about my long-awaited lower denture. Sam just called Elite Mobile Dental and politely — with his best “indoor voice” — read them the riot act. They were attempting to tell us that my lower denture was “in” and they’d try to schedule me “by the end of the week.” Sam started to turn red and told them that’s not acceptable … two weeks ago THEY PROMISED TO BE HERE TODAY.

Tomorrow I’m expecting Elite Mobile Dental to show up with my lower denture. Finally!

News flash from Howdygram headquarters: I’m not sure I like Campbell’s Cream of Onion soup. I ordered two small cans last week from Wal-Mart because I already love Cream of Celery and Cream of Chicken … but Cream of Onion was a dud on every level and I couldn’t eat more than four spoons of that tasteless crap. So here I sit, waiting for Sam to wake up from his afternoon nap so we can eat some normal food for dinner.

Our cowardly lyin’ President skipped the White House Correspondents’ Dinner again this year.

SATURDAY, 2:06 P.M., 4/28/2018. Sam tells me that today will be a typical spring day in Texas … it’s 87° at 2 p.m. with an explosion of hot yellow sunshine and just enough humidity to turn Dallas into a very lovely SWAMP. Therefore we’re both enjoying our Saturday indoors here at air-conditioned Howdygram headquarters … with a nice light lunch and a William Powell movie! Today it’s Private Detective 62 (1933) co-starring Margaret Lindsay.

A gigantic “fuck you” to my asshole physical therapist from the home health agency.

Hi-de-ho, boys and girls! It’s a pleasant Friday evening here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam and I are watching an HBO Elvis special — meh — and enjoying Wal-Mart fish fillets with Wal-Mart tartar sauce and Wal-Mart plastic forks. It’s such an elegant life, isn’t it?

I’m determined to start walking again all by myself before Tuesday so I can fire my physical therapist. I hate him.

WEDNESDAY, 8:20 P.M., 4/25/2018. I’ve had another very weird, very stressful day. Most of it was peppered with bouts of uncontrollable pishing … every 45 minutes from 11 a.m. this morning until almost 5 in the afternoon. By the time it all subsided I was so goddamn exhausted I could barely move any more. And then, an hour later, around 6 p.m. when I started eating dinner, all of a sudden I felt like I was burning up, so Sam took my temperature and it was REALLY HIGH, such as 99.8°. And keep in mind that 99.8° is really high for moi because my normal body temperature is typically 96.5°.

I’m sure you’ll agree that 1954 was a major hoo-hah for William Holden’s career.

TUESDAY, 8:40 A.M. Happy Tuesday morning! It’s almost 8:45 a.m., the sun is going KABLOOEY all over the back yard (my view from the family room), and I’m waiting for my Baylor HouseCalls primary care physician to come over. This is a very big hoo-hah for me, and it’s also the first time I’m meeting Dr. Thompson! Plus ... this afternoon I’ll have another session with my physical therapist.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a teeny new prince!

There’s big news bubbling forth today from Buckingham Palace … the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a teeny new PRINCE! The royal bundle of adorableness, who’s fifth in line to the throne, weighed in at 8 pounds 7 ounces. However, since the Duke and Duchess probably don’t need any bibs, onesies or crib toys, please feel free to send your cash-only gifts directly to the Howdygram and we’ll forward them on to England at our convenience. Click here to request our mailing address. Thank you.

I’ve got almost no understanding of Facebook whatsoever.

SATURDAY, 8:00 A.M., 4/21/2018. Good morning, everybody! It’s a few measly minutes after 8 a.m., and Sam and I are waiting for a 100% chance of rain to roll in — with thunderboomers! — from the northwest. I really haven’t got too much else going on today, quite honestly. A chance of rain … and then nothing.

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah, glorioski and yee-haw, everybody … this was a DOUBLE MILESTONE DAY for me!

I’ve had a long, hard day of sleeping, shlepping, pishing and occasional meals.

Good morning, boys and girls … we’ve got another gorgeous spring day underway here in north Texas! Today’s forecast is sunny and 70°, but unfortunately we won’t really warm up (next week it’s supposed to be in the low 80s) until we get rid of Saturday’s thunderstorms. In the meantime I’ll just stare out the windows in the family room. It’s a limited view … but I love it. (We have a terrific patio.)

In 2010 a nationwide salmonella outbreak led to the recall of half a billion eggs. That’s a lot of poisoned omelets!

We’re making progress today! Apparently the nursing assistant at Baylor HouseCalls passed along my referral to Agape Home Healthcare yesterday afternoon, and Agape is already preparing to set up my first appointment for physical therapy. Since I got home from the hospital at the end of March my mobility has been positively wretched, deteriorating from a full-time cane to a full-time walker with a cane-holder bolted to the right side rail. The bottom line: I HAVE TO START WALKING AGAIN. I still haven’t been able to shlep from the family room to my desk in the study so I can get back to designing mugs and greeting cards for The Howdygram Store with my beautiful iMac computer and my fancy-ass Adobe software. It’s already been 24 days … I feel like my creativity is shriveling up. Jesus!

Guess what! My new lower denture didn’t fit yesterday and the teeth were the wrong color.

It’s a wild and windy Tuesday morning here. The fireplace flue is rattling, our solar screens are vibrating, and I’m waiting for a phone call from Agape Home Healthcare regarding physical therapy services. A week ago Sam and I met with a representative from Physicians’ Choice … but that didn’t turn out very well as Physicians’ Choice seemed more interested in providing open-ended weekly nursing care (so they can collect more $$$ from Medicare) than six puny weeks of physical therapy, and therefore I couldn’t get anybody to follow through or set up my first appointment.

If you take too much Norco you could have hallucinations. (They’re fabulous.)

Ah, Sunday morning … sunny, lazy and DECADENT. I woke up at 7:30 and asked Sam for steak fries and ketchup for breakfast while I watched The Women (1939) starring Norma Shearer, Rosalind Russell and Joan Crawford. Good Lord, it just doesn’t get much better than that! And after The Women I watched Santa Fe Trail (1940) starring Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland … the story of John Brown’s bloody confrontation with Union troops in 1859 at Harper’s Ferry, Virginia. (You know ... a real knee-slappin’ comedy.)

On Monday I’ll set in motion a crunchfest of epic proportions that includes pretzel rods and a kosher hot dog.

Bananas are a perfect and beautiful snack. They’re yellow, they’re squishy and sweet, they’re easy to eat even if you still don’t have any lower teeth, and they provide a necessary shot of potassium in case you’re taking a high-powered diuretic such as Lasix. And as a bonus … you can slice your banana onto a black cherry Jell-O cup with Cool Whip and PRETEND YOU’RE EATING A FUCKING SUNDAE! Woo-hoo!

It’s been almost 11 years since I quit smoking. Holy crap.

Yo, people! We’re having a seriously overcast Friday evening here in north Texas following a seriously overcast Friday afternoon, and we even had a couple of TORNADO WATCHES today — Auntie Em! Auntie Em! — but no actual TWISTERS. At the moment (8 p.m.) I have no idea if there are still any “watches” or “warnings,” nor do I give any fucks whatsoever, because Sam and I are cuddled up with a couple of good movies — Dodge City (1939) starring Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland and Hollywoodland (2006) starring Ben Affleck and Adrien Brody — and a package of sugar-free Murray Pecan Shortbread cookies.

Trust me, crab boat fisherman are NOT air force test pilots “reaching into the unknown.”

Top o’ the morning to you! (Oy. I think I’m delirious.) It’s an overcast Thursday a.m., seriously windy, and even though I’m a housebound old coot my eyes are watering from all the springtime pollen flying around outside. Does any of this make sense?

My fever’s gone, I’m peeing successfully in the commode bucket and I think I want to go to bed. Right now.

TUESDAY, 10:15 P.M., 4/10/2018. I sincerely regret that I didn’t start this post hours ago. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Yesterday my primary care physician recommended a series of physical therapy sessions at home to help me start walking again without using my walker, and said she would refer me to Physicians’ Choice Homecare. And so she did … almost immediately.

Asshole-in-Chief Donald Trump is having a stroke.

Happy Monday! Sam just got home from a routine grocery shopping excursion, about which I’m pleased to announce that our local Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market actually carries an obscure product I assumed I could only find online … HOKKIEN STIR-FRY NOODLES! These are fresh, fully-cooked spaghetti noodles, two pouches in each bag (each pouch is a generous serving for one) that you can nuke in only 90 seconds, and they’re fantastic with pasta sauce and your favorite frozen meatballs. IT’S AN INSTANT ITALIAN DINNER … and you never have to guess how much pasta to cook for one or two servings!

Tiger’s back, y’all. It was just like the old days.

SUNDAY, 1:15 P.M., 4/8/2018. Sam and I are watching the final round of The Masters on CBS today. Frankly, I haven’t been particularly gripped (weak pun intended) by PGA golf since Tiger Woods stopped competing a few years ago ... but HE’S BACK now! So here we are — Sam curled up on the sofa with Mister Furry, me eating pickled beets in a styrofoam bowl — watching Tiger make some fine drives and juicy putts, just like the old days, even though he’s in 37th place at the start of Round 4.

Every morning I announce to Sam that “Today’s the day!” … and then I realize there’s no fucking way I can do this.

FRIDAY, 11:24 P.M., 4/6/2018. Hi, boys and girls. Sam is unconscious on the sofa next to me and I’m enjoying the “Law and Order” marathon on Sundance. I love “Law and Order.” I never get tired of the stories, and the regular cast changed often enough to keep it all fresh. Personally, this might have been the best TV series ever, not counting “Downton Abbey” and “The Andy Griffith Show.” Thank you. End of rant.

And the good news is … I’ve finally recovered from last night’s marathon Poop-O-Rama!

THURSDAY, 7:15 P.M., 4/5/2018. I haven’t had a very good day. Actually, it’s been downright CRAPPY. My assorted crises have been, so far: 1) four episodes of an uncontrollable bladder; 2) one intestinal explosion of nuclear proportions; 3) a bleeding, wet rash on various parts of my body that are none of your business; and 4) severe chronic pain that includes a screaming baby toe on my left foot, burning on the bottoms of both heels, burning skin on the back of both thighs and agonizing arthritic knees. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m clearly a “10” today … even with extra pain meds. It absolutely sucks. And it hasn’t been very easy on Sam, either.

Sam is my sweetheart and my security blanket. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

So here’s what’s happening regarding our home health aide hoo-hah [see yesterday’s post]. After finding out from Comfort Keepers how much it would cost to hire an aide to stay with me for 36 hours — more than $500! — Sam decided it was just too damn expensive to make that trip to Phoenix in June. He’s disappointed … and I’m disappointed, too.

This is just another thrilling milestone in the life of your favorite housebound senior citizen!

MONDAY, 11:52 P.M., 4/2/2018. Yo. It’s nearly midnight, Monday night, and Sam and I are enjoying Executive Suite (1954) starring William Holden, Barbara Stanwyck and an all-star cast. We always love this movie, but for me it’s William Holden at the peak of his total goddamn adorableness.

The best meal in town … cheese blintzes and pickled beets.

Greetings, salutations and a big fat happy Monday from Howdygram headquarters! Sam is at Tom Thumb stocking up on a variety of our favorite frozen Jewish delicacies … POTATO PANCAKES AND BLINTZES! He’s also buying sour cream (for the aforementioned potato pancakes and blintzes) and two cans of pickled beets. (I love pickled beets.) The Tom Thumb supermarket in north Dallas is the only spot in town to buy Kosher products. They even have a completely Kosher deli where you can stock up on corned beef, pastrami, chopped liver, etc., and a Kosher bakery with fresh bagels, rolls, Jewish rye and challah. Of course, the bread and rolls won’t be available this week due to everybody’s in the middle of Passover — and busy stuffing themselves with matzo — until April 7. Oy vey.

As of today I’ve been home from the hospital for a whole week.

It’s Sunday evening, Sam is asleep next to me on the sofa and I’m watching Seabiscuit (2003) starring Jeff Bridges, Chris Cooper and Tobey Maguire. Seabiscuit is one of my all-time favorite movies. I love the story, I love the score, I love the narrator, I love the cast — William H. Macy as Tick-Tock McGlaughlin! — and I especially love the ending. If you’ve never seen Seabiscuit please do yourself a favor and stream it or rent it or download it … or whatever they’re calling it these days. Thank you.

Fizzy beverages are a very big hoo-hah for me.

SATURDAY, 5:15 P.M., 3/31/2018. In honor of Passover — and to celebrate tonight’s second seder — Sam and I are watching Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments (1956) starring Charlton Heston (Moses! Moses!) and Yul Brynner, and about an hour from now I’ll order a traditional Jewish dinner from King China: Chicken Egg Foo Young and a herd of Steamed Dumplings with hot sauce.