I need a cheeseburger to recover from The Pointless Shitty Envelope Adventure of 2014.

It’s been quite a day around here, people. Pour yourself a nice Marcytini while I tell you all about The Pointless Shitty Envelope Adventure of 2014.

You may recall a few days ago [see post] when I ordered a nice pack of 50 A7-size — 7¼" x 5¼" — brown kraft envelopes from Amazon to use with my homemade Hanukkah cards. As it turns out these aren’t really “brown kraft” at all ... they’re thin and cheesy and the same weight and texture as a cheap GROCERY BAG, which is something like newsprint except much worse. And you can’t run newsprint (or a cheap grocery bag) through an Epson inkjet printer for three reasons: 1) the printer’s rollers WILL NOT grip these damn things no matter how many times you attempt to shove them through; 2) ink bleeds on grocery bags; and 3) see 1 and 2.

It took me three stinking hours to print six envelopes. Here’s what happened.

1. I discover that inserting envelopes the normal way doesn’t work so I reconfigure the page setup feature and turn them in a different direction.
2. There is no discernible improvement.
3. After clearing 11 paper jams and restarting the printer twice I end up with a grand total of two envelopes, both smeared. 
4. I decide to finish my Hanukkah cards instead. My magenta ink cartridge clogs up after card number three. I have to clean the print heads FOUR TIMES.
5. The magenta cartridge is now completely empty. I replace it.
6. I print two more cards and the black ink cartridge clogs up. I clean the print heads three times. 
7. The black cartridge is now completely empty. I replace it.
8. I finish printing the rest of my Hanukkah cards. They’re gorgeous.
9. I try to print the rest of my envelopes. It takes another hour and five more jams to print four more, all with smeared ink. STICK A FORK IN ME, GUYS. I’M DONE.
10. I order a pack of normal white A7 envelopes from Amazon.

In case you’re wondering why I don’t just buy some clear mailing labels it’s because I HATE THOSE LOUSY THINGS. They’re flimsy, they always look cockeyed because they cling before you can center them on the envelope and they pick up your fingerprints and look like hell. And they’re also too damn expensive. So that’s why. We won’t discuss this any more, okay?

And now ... Sam is on his way to Five Guys to pick up dinner so I think I’ll wrap up this post, fill an insulin syringe and hang out in the family room to wait for him. Thank you for reading this.