Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Absentee ballots rule. And you don’t have to wear a brassiere.

Know what I forgot to tell you? I ALREADY VOTED IN THE NOVEMBER ELECTION! This year, for the very first time, I requested and cast an absentee ballot so I won’t have to get all freaked out about having good days and bad days, dealing with potentially shitty weather conditions or not feeling well enough to vote in person. Doing the mail-in ballot thing is FUN AND EASY, you get a big free pre-paid envelope to send it back AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO WEAR A BRASSIERE. Seriously, people, I plan to do this for the rest of my life and you should consider it, too. ABSENTEE BALLOTS RULE.

Show of hands. Do you ever shop at dollar stores? My favorite is Dollar Tree. Unfortunately, as a housebound old lady with mobility issues I can’t physically shlep around in retail stores any more so I shop DollarTree.com instead. In the past I’ve purchased sugar-free Hawaiian Punch powdered drink mix and their excellent store-brand chicken broth that only costs one buck, and I was so pleased with everything that I want to try the additional products pictured below: 1) Dollar Tree’s store-brand canned ham because Amazon stopped selling Hormel at a decent price; 2) their store-brand cream of mushroom soup that’s supposed to taste exactly like Campbell’s; and 3) Del Monte sloppy joe sauce in pop-top cans for my world-famous No-Stress Sloppy Joes for Senior Citizens with Crappy Hands and Knees.
For the record, I’ve decided NOT to order this fine crap online because you have to order everything from DollarTree.com in CASE QUANTITIES ONLY and I really don’t need — or have the pantry space for — canned goods in lots of 24. Therefore, I’ll prepare an illustrated shopping list and adorable Sam said he’d visit the local Dollar Tree store for me sometime this week to buy whatever I want. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) our Dollar Tree store near the mall; and C) the CVS pharmacy at Town East and Belt Line, which I only included because Sam is on his way over there as I write this post to pick up my Ampicillin refill. (Details follow.)

Yes, friends, Dr. M agreed to refill my Ampicillin prescription [see earlier post] and I’ll start popping horse pills as soon as Sam gets home from the pharmacy. My cellulitis flared up again and also the urinary tract infection that I had in September. At the moment I’m feeling rundown, crabby, moderately miserable and really, really tired. You know you’re under the weather when it’s 8:15 in the morning and you already need a nap. (This sucks.)

And now for breaking news — literally! — from our Shitty Kitchen Disasters department. Last night around midnight while Sam and I were grazing in the kitchen for snacks I had a mentally ill craving and asked him to get a jar of gefilte fish out of the refrigerator due to me being semi-crippled with a cane and I can’t stand around juggling heavy jars one-handed. So Sam reached in for the gefilte fish and knocked a brand new COMPLETELY FULL jar of Mezzetta mild giardiniera onto the floor, which shattered, of course, shooting shards of glass and oily vegetables in every direction. Clean-up activities took about 30 minutes while I supervised from a safe distance.
Believe it or not ... after all this damn hoo-hah the gefilte fish turned out to be SPOILED and we had to throw it out. Next time I’ll just eat popcorn.

Thank you for reading this.

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