I hate my thighs for so many reasons!

By all possible standards this has been a thoroughly wretched day. It began this morning, early, when Sam got word that his older sister Marian, who’s been in ICU for the past week in a hospital near her home in Kent, Washington, took “a turn for the worse” last night and isn’t expected to live out the rest of the day. The siblings hauled it into high gear and made their plans to get to Seattle as fast as possible. Unfortunately, it’s 9:30 p.m., Sam is stuck at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas waiting for his connecting flight on Southwest, and Marian most likely will already be gone by the time he lands in Washington tonight at 11:45.

Hey, you. I need a toe truck.

You may have missed this breaking news story on CNN, but about an hour ago I began my sleepy Thursday morning with a devastating and thoroughly unanticipated life-threatening injury. I bumped the big toenail on my left foot as I slid into a fluffy memory foam slipper using slightly more velocity that usual and wound up in a scene from M*A*S*H*. It was a fucking BLOODBATH around here, people, and I had to wake Sam to wrap my toe in toilet paper and say nice things to me.

A closer look at Dr. Ben Carson ... neurosurgeon, presidential candidate and putz.

Oy, I did something really, really dumb. I accidentally took two 10 mg Norco tablets a little while ago, and now I’m drifting into a dense, hopeless fog of pea soup and peanut butter. I would “live blog” this descent into a Saturday night drug-induced coma but I’m afraid I’ll stop typing mid-sentence and scare everybody half to death. Holy shit, I feel weird.

Oy! Time marches on!

It’s a crazy-busy Wednesday morning here at Howdygram headquarters! We’re running the dishwasher, Sam is getting ready to throw a load of sheets into the washing machine and I’m seriously considering a chicken salad sandwich for lunch today on rye bread or Seasoned Meat Slabs for Senior Citizens with Grill Marks and Low-Carb Pasta Rice. I’m so excited in advance I can hardly stand it!

Drugs are amazing.

Know what I hate? Waking up wracked with pain after a lousy night’s sleep. This was just about one of the worst nights I can ever remember even though I actually felt not too bad when I went to bed at 3 a.m. I wish somebody could tell me what the hell happened between 3 and 6:45! At the moment I’ve got a whole whine list full of pain-related shit going on — everything from plantar fasciitis to sensitive bleeding skin to gas pains to a low-grade fever with aching joints — and I’m EXHAUSTED from lack of sleep. With any luck I’ll type this post really fast and then haul myself into the family room for a multi-hour nap on the chaise before my maid shows up at 1 p.m. for a pre-arranged visit to check on my welfare and make sure I haven’t fallen down in the family room with a bowl of chili and need four paramedics with a moose sling to help me get up.

My quadruple-whammy Sunday.

I feel like CRAP this morning. It’s actually been kind of a quadruple-whammy. I woke up at 5 a.m. in a puddle of perspiration and couldn’t catch my breath, the result of a fairly substantial fever and a severe low blood sugar episode. I sat in the bathroom eating glucose chewables until I started to feel steady again and then popped one of my prescription painkillers because it’s got Tylenol in it. While I wait for it to kick in I’m also dealing with pain in my knees and heels plus raw skin on the back of both thighs. It’s like winning the weekend agony lottery. LET’S SLAM THAT POOR OLD BROAD WITH EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE! So here for your possible interest is the latest Shit-O-Meter report. Oy.