It’s 2:30 Monday afternoon, Sam is on his way to work and I’ve got a bag of Mountain House Noodles & Chicken for hungry senior citizens rehydrating on my desk here in the study. Sam usually makes lunch for me before he goes to work but today was a little different, as both of us were exhausted and unconscious until well past 1 p.m. and I was too discombobulated (isn’t that a fabulous word?) to make any intelligent decisions about food. That’s why I love these Mountain House things. Just add boiling water and you’ve got AN INSTANT TASTY MEAL! Plus, if you eat right out of the bag, like I do, you don’t even have to rinse any dishes afterwards. Life is amazing, isn’t it?
Hey people, I’ve got a juicy Putz of the Week for you! Meet Sheriff Ben Johnson from Volusia County, Florida, who’s been a busy little asshole whining on TV talk shows about President Obama’s decision — finally! — to force local police departments to abandon military tanks and ridiculous assault gear. Johnson, of course, promises this will result in some of his officers going on “suicide missions.” He has to give up his precious M113 tank and vows to blame the president for the consequences.
“People will die because of this decision,” Johnson said. “The idea that our president will take this stuff away from us, the M113 (armored personnel carrier), puts not only our deputies in harm’s way but the citizens in harm’s way. It’s obvious from some of the decisions he’s made that he really doesn’t care a whole lot about law enforcement officers.”
Why any local police department – which is already armed with guns, tasers and bulletproof gear – need military-grade weapons and tanks is beyond understanding. Johnson’s police force will still get to keep their
other tank, an MRAP (Mine-Resistant Ambush Protected vehicle), but Johnson is positive that’s not enough. His beloved M113 has tracks instead of wheels, a feature that apparently must be mandatory for the frightened pussy police of residential Florida who do those scary traffic stops in front of Wal-Mart.
Note to Sheriff Johnson: If you’re so anxious to dress up in camo gear, carry assult rifles and ride in tanks ... ENLIST IN THE FUCKING ARMY!
Here’s some breaking news from our Weirdos on Parade department. It’s a photo of Caitlyn (formerly Bruce) Jenner exiting a movie theater in southern California on Saturday. You can pretty much assess public opinion by looking at the faces of those around her. Holy crap, does she look like a wierdo, or
what?
Sam and I are both hugely disappointed in Caitlyn. Instead of giving a voice and purpose to the struggling trans community she’s morphed into an elderly Kardashian ... self-absorbed, superficial and obsessed with hair extensions, makeup, stylists and manicures. She looks and acts ridiculous. She has also abandoned her family, including two teenage daughters. We are not impressed with this person AT ALL.
Thank you.
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