Patty Duke’s intestine blew up.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday for one big fat reason: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. And boy howdy, I definitely felt like shit yesterday. Just about everything hurt. In addition to two hours of intense nausea that started shortly after Sam got home from work last night, I also had pain in my knees, my neck, my right upper arm and shoulder, my left heel, all of the toes on my left foot, leaking pressure sores and raw skin on the back of both thighs ... and I’m constipated. All of these issues thrown together meant I didn’t feel like writing and I definitely couldn’t figure out how to be funny. So I bought myself the following enormous pile of fantastic yet cheap digital backgrounds from Etsy.com so I can create new and better products for The Howdygram Store. Each collection only cost 99¢! Terrific, right?

The week from hell. First it’s Brussels, then it’s the Pez Museum in Connecticut!

Yes, friends ... last week was the week from hell. First we saw another terror strike in Brussels, then a herd of greedy parental assholes ruined a children’s Easter egg hunt at the Pez Museum in Connecticut. I wouldn’t joke about this. Seriously.

New fonts, new backgrounds and a brand new highly-qualified Putz of the Week.

I am trying very, very hard right now to get comfortable. This is NOT EASY. The backs of my thighs feel like somebody ripped off the top layer of skin — this is diabetic neuropathy, people — so sitting at my desk is ABSOLUTE TORTURE even though I took two Norcos when I woke up from my afternoon nap about 90 minutes ago. While I wait for them to kick in Sam volunteered to drive to Fuel City to buy me a few sugar-free fried pies. (My favorites are apple and pineapple.)

I’m just hoping for a nationally-televised circular firing squad between the Trump and Cruz campaigns.

The Howdygram is acknowledging Good Friday today with — get ready for it — a gigantic Russell Stover sugar-free MILK CHOCOALTE EASTER RABBIT! This is a tasty, God-fearing snack that’s suitable for diabetics, Democrats and senior citizen shut-ins of any faith.

I’m ready for referral to a pain management specialist, and the sooner the better.

Hi, hello, good afternoon, happy Thursday and how’s the family from your friends at the Howdygram! It’s a gorgeous spring day around here ... about 66° with sunshine and a slightly gusty breeze from wherever. Since I never leave the house except for a quarterly doctor’s appointment I guess I’ll celebrate the weather by migrating into the family room for a movie and a really nice nap. I’m considering something starring William Powell or Margaret Rutherford (they both made excellent nap movies) or The Rains Came (1939) starring Tyrone Power, Myrna Loy and George Brent.

Two dead celebrities and six exciting tote bags.

Know how I amuse myself when Sam isn’t around and tthere’s much nothing to do? I design tote bags for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle! Yesterday and today I added the following six bags to the store’s growing collection. You should consider buying a few for early Hanukkah presents. Are these cute, or what?

Can Rick “Goodhair” Perry save the Republican Party? (Short answer: Fuck no.)

The only reason I’m sitting here right now in front of my computer in the study with half a can of room temperature Diet Sunkist is because I think I just took an extra dose of my prescription painkiller by accident and I thought it would be fun to try writing a Howdygram post from outer space. No kidding, I’ll be oribiting Mars within the next 30 minutes.

Another new baby and nobody bothered to tell Aunt Marcy.

I almost decided to skip a Howdygram post today. Almost. I started my day in a lousy mood due to crappy family issues (details follow) and chronic early-morning pain that required two doses of my favorite prescription painkiller before I felt steady enough to not chew everybody’s head off. Does that even make sense?

Happy goddamn Sunday, okay?

I’m not exactly sure I have anything special to write about this morning so I’ll just go with the following statement.

It’s never too soon to teach your kids how to write coherent and meaningful thank you notes.

Know what? I’m NOT having a good day today, and to tell you the truth it’s been downright shitty due to all kinds of pain. I’ve got knee pain, severe pain in my left heel and most of the toes on my left foot, burning skin from diabetic neuropathy and a brand new batch of horrible leaking pressure sores on the back of both thighs. At times today — such as RIGHT NOW — this crap has been almost unbearable. I just thought you’d want to know, and here’s my latest Shit-O-Meter readout in case you care [click here for more details]. Thank you.

Mitch McConnell’s grandmother thinks you should elect Democrats in November.

Hello, how’s the family and shalom from my house to yours! It’s 8:57 on a pleasant Friday night, Sam is on his way home from work and I’m getting a late start with this Howdygram post because I got sidetracked by a very long and enjoyable afternoon nap that didn’t technically end until 7:15 p.m., at which time I had eat dinner IMMEDIATELY due to low blood sugar. Other than that, everything here is fucking fabulous.

Warmest St. Patrick’s Day wishes to you and yours from Mazel Tov the Jewish leprechaun.

I’m starting my Howdygram post earlier than usual today due to having a long list of really stupid things to write about. I realize that’s not a very well-constructed sentence but you’ll just have to deal with it. Thank you, and warmest St. Patrick’s Day wishes to you and yours from Mazel Tov the Jewish leprechaun. Please pass the shamrocks.

Marco Rubio got screwed by the “new American century.”

Hi, people. It’s a lovely Wednesday night in Texas with balmy weather — 75° plus a light breeze from the east — the air conditioner’s humming outside my window in the study, and I’m getting ready to nuke a teeny can of Chef Boyardee ravioli for dinner because Sam is at work, I’m hungry and I love this stuff. Deal with it.

I want to know why nobody has thrown a few bricks at Trump’s head.

It’s 5:45 a.m. and there’s huge news this morning from Howdygram headquarters: MY LEFT FOOT DOESN’T HURT. Not my heel, not my baby toe ... nothing. The relief is so damn shocking and unexpected that I don’t know what to do with myself! Maybe I can finally stop taking extra pain pills and get back to a normal sleeping schedule in bed with Sam as opposed to sleeping on the chaise in the family room with William Powell movies. My life has been weird for a very, very long time.

National Pi Day. A chance to celebrate everybody’s favorite dessert and a boring mathematical constant.

Yee-haw and pass the lemonade ... IT’S SUMMER IN TEXAS! Even though I’m a handicapped senior citizen with mobility issues who only leaves the house in a wheelchair four times a year for doctor appointments, I still pay attention to rainfall totals, tornado warnings and daily weather reports ... and according to Weather.com it was almost 90° here today! Holy crap, right?

Free fonts, new mousepads and an apology.

If you were counting on the Howdygram to remind you about Daylight Savings Time you’ve just spent the last 36 hours all fucked-up. Please set your clocks ahead one hour IMMEDIATELY, and if you’re late for work today you should feel free to tell your boss it was my fault. Thank you.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... only seven days for a federal tax refund!

Hi-de-ho from Texas, y’all! It’s an overcast Saturday morning with rain creeping in from the south, Sam is buttering my English muffin in the kitchen and I have nothing whatsoever to do today. This is no huge surprise, however, since I almost NEVER have anything to do ... not counting frequent naps and eating things.

Eating, sleeping and downloading. I love my life.

It’s 6:29 p.m. on a semi-drizzly Friday evening, and this is the first chance I’ve had today to sit at my desk and write a Howdygram post. The rest of the time I’ve been eating, sleeping, downloading and ... well, I think that’s it. Eating, sleeping and downloading. I love my life.

Suggested drinking game keywords for tonight’s GOP debate include “dick size,” “steaks,” “liar” and “con man.”

Hi. While I wait for my morning medications to kick in I promised myself I wouldn’t begin this Howdygram post with another detailed description of my chronic pain issues, which includes relentless leaking pressure sores on the back of both thighs, a bleeding rash, arthritic knees and diabetic peripheral neuropathy in both goddamn feet. So I won’t mention them, okay?

My feet are killing me, I have to pee and I can’t find the goddamn remote.

Another night, another night of lousy sleep ... which clearly can be diagnosed as the cause of my latest ailment: Spontaneous Senior Citizen Mental Illness. I conked out in the family room last night around 11 and woke up at 1:45, dazed and confused. Sam had gone to bed, the TV was off but the lights were on, and I have to admit ... I got VERY FREAKED OUT. The first thing I did was drop the remote for the floor lamp — yes, our floor lamp has its own remote! — which ricocheted off the base of the side table and wound up somewhere under the chaise where I couldn’t see it. I immediately started to CRY because that’s what all adults do when they wake up in the middle of the night in a brightly-lit room and develop a brain hemorrhage thinking ... Jesus Christ, my legs are killing me, my feet are killing me, I have to pee AND NOW I CAN’T FIND THE GODDAMN REMOTE!

Serious weather is on the way. Auntie Em!

There’s finally some SERIOUS WEATHER moving into our area. While the big hoo-hah is still west of Fort Worth right now, by 9 p.m. tonight we’ll be bombarded by thunderstorms, hail the size of Buicks, possible twisters and flying monkeys. The red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. (The flying monkey is self-explanatory.) Auntie Em!

God bless Sam. He keeps the TV volume low and doesn’t grind his beans for tomorrow’s coffee until I’m awake.

It’s the wee hours of Monday morning (3:42 a.m., to narrow it down a little) and I just woke up from a three-hour nap in the family room. I know what you’re thinking — normal people don’t take naps at this hour — but I’m not exactly “normal people.” I’m a housebound senior citizen on drugs for a shitload of chronic pain issues and I sleep whenever I can. Fortunately Sam has an excellent attitude about this. He tiptoes around the house, keeps the TV volume low and doesn’t grind his beans for tomorrow’s coffee until I’m awake. Bless his little heart.

I love Sundays nights. It’s time for Pop Secret and a “Columbo” rerun!

I’m in pain tonight and I’m not happy. The only spot in the entire house where I can rest comfortably is the chaise in the family room. Actually, the toilet is in the hall bathroom is very comfortable, too, but you can’t sleep on the toilet because your legs go numb after 30 minutes and then you fall backwards when you try to get up and bust the entire toilet in half. (This actually happened two years ago. Sam remembers the incident in great detail in case you have any questions.)

Just say “oy” ... Nancy Reagan dies at 94.

Happy Sunday morning, boys and girls. It’s  As I write this post Sam is out for a walk and I’m enjoying a healthy feast of diet ginger ale, Lipton Cup-a-Soup (cream of chicken) and a sugar-free pineapple fried pie. Grab a napkin! IT’S THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!

This morning I belched a belch from the pit of hell.

Hi-de-ho from Howdygram headquarters, where Sam and I are enjoying a lazy yet gorgeous Saturday in northern Texas with sunshine and spring weather and nothing to do except order a lot of light bulbs from Amazon because Sam doesn’t feel like driving to Lowe’s. Herewith is a screenshot of our current weather forecast courtesy of the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com. For the record, we’re sincerely thrilled with the rain prospects next week as we’ve seen nary a stinking drop for the last couple of months.

Mazel tov to me. I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again!

Yee-haw, everybody, and MAZEL TOV TO ME! Our brand new banner design is probably the biggest and goddamn bestest Howdygram re-do I’ve ever had ... not counting June 2014 when our former blog looked like THIS (click here or see below).

The FBI has had a busy week arresting violent assholes who thought they were making fools of U.S. Americans.

I’m following a “live blog” of tonight’s GOP debate on Wonkette.com for the following three reasons: 1) the sight of Trump, Cruz and Rubio make me want to puke; 2) ditto for their voices; and 3) I’ve been trying for 15 minutes to hook up to Fox News’ livestream. It’s not working probably due to my ad blocker software — a lot of websites HATE ad blocker software — but I don’t give any fucks about that. And now you know why I’m doing the “live blog” hoo-hah on Wonkette.com. Plus a chime goes off every time a new entry pops up. I like chimes!

Redesigning things is a fun activity for a housebound senior citizen on prescription painkillers.

Yup, I did it again. I redesigned the Howdygram’s banner and uploaded a bunch of exciting new sidebar title graphics. The point is, sometimes I get bored and redesigning things is a fun activity for a housebound senior citizen on prescription painkillers. Deal with it, okay?

Texans Republicans always love a good, juicy racist.

Happy Super Tuesday from the resident political junkie — i.e., yours truly — at Howdygram headquarters! As far as I can tell from various entertaining “live blogs” around the country it looks like there are no yoooge surprises in the voting results at this time. East coast results are pointing to CLINTON and TRUMP with the exception of Bernie Sanders (Sam’s favorite) in Oklahoma and Vermont, and it’s still too early for any results from Texas. Ted Cruz is hoping to win here — he’s got heavyweights like Rick Perry pulling for him! — but who knows? Trump is still the biggest racist of the bunch, and Texans Republicans always love a good, juicy racist.