The Howdygram 2: Mitch McConnell’s grandmother thinks you should elect Democrats in November.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Mitch McConnell’s grandmother thinks you should elect Democrats in November.

Hello, how’s the family and shalom from my house to yours! It’s 8:57 on a pleasant Friday night, Sam is on his way home from work and I’m getting a late start with this Howdygram post because I got sidetracked by a very long and enjoyable afternoon nap that didn’t technically end until 7:15 p.m., at which time I had eat dinner IMMEDIATELY due to low blood sugar. Other than that, everything here is fucking fabulous.

The Howdygram is already mourning the death of another celebrity! This time it’s actor Joe Santos, 84, best known for his role as Sergeant Dennis Becker on the 1970s TV series “The Rockford Files.” Santos got started in show business when Al Pacino picked him for a part in Panic in Needle Park in 1971. Nobody knows yet how or why Santos died but he’s survived by a wife and a couple of nice children.

I would like to sing the praises of Annie Chun’s Rice Express White Sticky Rice ... completely cooked gooey white rice that you nuke in only 60 seconds. This is so fantastic I might have a brain hemorrhage because you don’t have to boil anything or wash a pot afterwards. PERFECT RICE IN SIXTY FUCKING SECONDS! And this is why the Howdygram is awarding Annie Chun’s Rice Express a five-chopper rating.

Why is this such a big deal? Because I’m a handicapped, housebound senior citizen with mobility issues and I frequently have to nuke my own lunch and dinner in the study — yes, I have a microwave on my desk — because Sam is at work and I can’t stand up in the kitchen any more to chop an onion or cook a meal.

Speedy foods like Annie Chun’s Rice Express save my life, and I’ve even got little restaurant packages of soy sauce in a ziploc bag in my desk. Rice and soy sauce are a lovely, cheap and satisfying meal. (Do I sound pathetic?)

A Texas genius’ discovery of fossils from Noah’s flood in his aunt’s front yard has been confirmed and authenticated — sight-unseen — by a Bible scholar named Joe Taylor.

Yes, friends, Wayne “Einstein” Propst of Tyler, Texas, is finding genuine prehistoric fossils in his Aunt Sharon’s yard and has received the stamp of approval from Taylor that they date back to Noah’s era. Propst said he was replacing soil in the yard when he made the discovery of fossilized snail shells. “What’s really interesting to me is we’re talking about the largest catastrophe known to man, the flood that engulfed the entire world,” Propst explained. “Noah’s flood in my front yard. How much better can it get?”

Actually, Wayne ... I’m going with A LOT.

Anxious to verify his claim, Propst contact fossil genius Joe Taylor, who stated that the fossils indeed are a remnant of the Biblical flood that covered the Earth due to God’s wrath. “I’ve never heard of anything about that from over there. I’m surprised he found it there,” Taylor explained. What?

Propst, wearing his favorite lucky Jesus tee shirt, says he’s maintaining the fossil dig with the help of a few neighborhood kids and his Aunt Sharon, who cleans every discovery with a toothbrush before it’s photographed. “Now all I got to do is go in front of my aunt’s house and pick up something from back when it all began. I don’t even have to search any more,” said Probst. “Who else can say they have a front yard full of Noah’s dirt?!”

Apparently Einstein doesn’t know that the central United States was once covered in a shallow sea called the Cretaceous or Western Interior Seaway ... so EVERYBODY IN TEXAS HAS THE SAME DIRT AS AUNTIE SHARON. Asshole.