This morning I belched a belch from the pit of hell.

Hi-de-ho from Howdygram headquarters, where Sam and I are enjoying a lazy yet gorgeous Saturday in northern Texas with sunshine and spring weather and nothing to do except order a lot of light bulbs from Amazon because Sam doesn’t feel like driving to Lowe’s. Herewith is a screenshot of our current weather forecast courtesy of the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com. For the record, we’re sincerely thrilled with the rain prospects next week as we’ve seen nary a stinking drop for the last couple of months.

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As I write this post Sam is walking twice around the block — one of his favorite activities because it’s a cool block with nice houses and hills — and (at his request) I just ordered him a new pair of ritzy Reebok athletic shoes from Amazon because their prices are REALLY SWELL and VERY LOW compared to nearby brick-and-mortar establishments such as Kohl’s. Now Sam doesn’t have to go shopping (nobody hates shopping more than Sam) and his new shoes will be here early next week. Yee-haw! After Tuesday Sam’s feet will look like this:

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A SCARY THING FIRST. This morning here in the study I’d just finished taking a few pills with half a can of Diet Sunkist — as per my usual routine — and then immediately belched a belch from the pit of hell that tasted like a combination of crankcase oil, anti-freeze and insecticide. Vile, bitter, poisonous and revolting. I almost thought I saw FUMES coming out of my mouth and it really freaked me out, people. Sam said the bitter taste would be bile, but after looking up all kinds of bile-related articles on the Mayo Clinic’s website I don’t have any of the conditions that would cause this, such as severe upper abdominal pain, frequent heartburn, nauseau, vomiting, a cough, hoarseness or an unintended weight loss. Therefore, since the belch from hell only happened once I’ll try not to dwell on it or have a nervous breakdown.

AND NOW FOR A LOUSY THING. I am grieved to report that I’ve got ANOTHER LEAKING PRESSURE SORE on the back of my right thigh, barely five weeks since my visiting nurse healed up the last batch (there were three). Since we already have a cabinet full of leftover medical supplies, surgical tape and dressings, Sam is my official personal health provider this time around ... and he does a goddamn swell job of it, too. Just like last time, though, this condition — combined with burning, hyper-sensitive skin from diabetic neuropathy — is magnifying my chronic pain level and making me TOTALLY MISERABLE. Today’s Shit-O-Meter report appears below. (Click here for a complete explanation of the different pain levels.) There’s one upside, however. If I take enough drugs I might squish this down to a 4 or 5 by dinner time.

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Know what? I’ve got two more fine FREE FONTS for you today! Neither is particularly exciting, unfortunately, although I think I’ll probably be able to use “Avocado” for a few of my greeting card designs for The Howdygram Store. I’ll include download links after the graphic in case you want either of these for your collection. (You’re welcome.)

Money Money • Avocado

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To celebrate doing our 2015 income taxes this afternoon Sam brought home a box of sugar-free fried pies from The Original Fried Pie Shop. There’s a nice one inside the new Fuel City truck stop here in Mesquite. I ate two while they were still hot (apple and pineapple ... and they’re made to order!) and now it’s time for a nap before my last dose of Norco kicks in and I can’t remember my middle name.

Thank you for reading this. Tell your friends, okay?