Can Rick “Goodhair” Perry save the Republican Party? (Short answer: Fuck no.)

The only reason I’m sitting here right now in front of my computer in the study with half a can of room temperature Diet Sunkist is because I think I just took an extra dose of my prescription painkiller by accident and I thought it would be fun to try writing a Howdygram post from outer space. No kidding, I’ll be oribiting Mars within the next 30 minutes.

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In the meantime let’s talk about the implosion of the Republican Party — good riddance, assholes! — and how they’re working around the clock in a last-ditch desperate effort to derail the Manhattan orangutan, Donald Trump, before their national convention in Cleveland.

So ... apparently a depressed and beaten-down clump of establishment Republicans circulated a bunch of secret memos and had a meeting. Who were their potential picks to run as a third-party independent GOP savior? Tom Coburn, the retired right-wing — anti-abortion, pro-NRA, the typical bullshit — junior senator from Oklahoma who said he’d be okay with a stab at the White House, and — wait for it — Rick “Goodhair” Perry, the former governor of Texas whose last two bids for the Republican nomination ended in national disgrace. And this includes the 2016 clown car. His remarkable new “smart” glasses didn’t help very much and Perry couldn’t raise enough dough to last him through the second debate even after “studying” his possible candidacy for more than a year.

Perry, thankfully, has already turned down that Republican search-for-a-savior committee, as he’s pledged to support fellow a Texan, the right-wing slime bag Turd Cruz.

While everybody realizes that 2016’s Republican clown car offered no viable candidates whatsoever, trying to resurrect already-obsolete previous losers who are way past their expiration date is probably the worst possible idea for a “comeback.” Rick Perry, Tom Coburn, Mitt Romney ... holy shit. But Democrats are secretly hoping Rick Perry changes his mind, because COMEDY.

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Incidentally, that accidental extra dose of Norco never happened last night and I didn’t get loopy or wind up in an orbit around Mars. After typing out a perfectly-spelled grocery list for Sam’s Wednesday morning trip to Wal-Mart I shlepped into the family room and watched Bachelor in Paradise (1961) starring Lana Turner, Bob Hope, Jim Hutton and Paula Prentiss. In case you’ve never seen this gem, it’s a fun romantic comedy set in a sprawling new housing tract — Paradise Village — in the San Fernando Valley, where the homes are painted “California coral” and damn near anybody can afford to live there.

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And one final thought today ...

Thank you.