News bulletin: OLD AGE GIVES YOU A LICENSE TO BE CRABBY. I never do anything I don’t want to do, I won’t tolerate shitty service, I usually refuse to pick up a ringing phone and sometimes I won’t even make the bed. With regard to my doctor appointment tomorrow, I’m ready for a battle with the cardiologist after receiving a lengthy, recorded robo-call yesterday with an annoying list of demands and instructions for my first appointment, including an iron-clad rule that I have to bring along all of my prescription bottles — NO FUCKING EXCEPTIONS WHATSOEVER — “or risk being turned away at the reception desk.”
Well, good luck with that, pal! I don’t keep prescription bottles because I’ve got diabetic peripheral neuropathy in both hands and can’t open the damn things, so I pour my pills into neatly-labeled Ziploc bags that I keep in a little plastic crate in my desk. Bottom line: If Dr. Singh’s storm troopers won’t accept a typed list of medications
— spelled correctly in a legible typeface with accurate dosages — THEY CAN ALL GO PISS UP A ROPE and I’ll come straight home and watch Myrna Loy movies.
And now I think it’s time for another convenient recipe for elderlies with mobility issues who can’t stand at the stove cooking things any more. This time I’d like to introduce my
PRACTICALLY SALISBURY STEAK FOR SENIOR CITIZENS WITH FAST & TASTY MUSHROOM GRAVY, served with a side order of Schwan’s speedy baby baked potatoes. Let’s begin with the Salisbury steak, okay? You need two 6-ounce bags of Libby’s seasoned crumbly ground beef, one cup of McCormick instant brown gravy and a jar of Green Giant whole mushrooms. (You can use sliced instead but whole ones are much classier.)
Empty both bags of crumbly ground beef into a nice bowl, add the drained mushrooms, microwave for about 90 seconds and set aside. In a mug, nuke one cup of water to the boiling point, add four heaping tablespoons of McCormick brown gravy mix and stir it up really fast with a teeny wire whisk. (I bought my
teeny whisks from Amazon.) Pour the gravy over the ground beef and mushrooms, add a little cracked black pepper and smoosh it all together.
For a side dish I recommend a small mountain of
Schwan’s seasoned baby bakers (see below) that you can heat in the microwave in about six minutes. These are fabulously yummy little whatnots, and you can either fling them into the same bowl with your ground beef and gravy OR serve them separately with a puddle of butter.
Incidentally, please send an
email if you ever try any of my senior citizen recipes, okay? I’d love to know what you think of them. Thank you.
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