Let’s take a minute or two to recap this morning’s cardiology appointment, shall we? This was my first session with Dr. Singh. He’s nice, he went to college and I’m pretty sure I like him even though he thinks I’m overweight. He studied the EKG from my visit with Dr. M a couple of weeks ago and concluded that an occasionally-irregular heartbeat is nothing to worry about since I’m breathing fine, shlepping around like a typical old lady with lousy knees and I don’t have chest pains. But, he says, it would still be terrific fun to subject me to an echocardiogram RIGHT NOW — even though he can’t find a single legitimate reason for it — and then schedule me for a two-day “nuclear stress test” at his office in Greenville that involves pumping shit into my veins UNTIL I PRACTICALLY HAVE A HEART ATTACK because my mobility issues make a treadmill test not such a hot idea.
I declined the echocardiogram due to it being 10:30 and I wanted to go home already and watch TV with Sam, and that suicidal nuclear stress test is OUT OF THE FUCKING QUESTION ALTOGETHER but thanks a million for asking.
Holy crap.
In case life isn’t already frightening enough with police brutality, Muslim terrorists, right-wing militias and the never-ending horror of widespread domestic violence in the NFL, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has announced a recall of FRESH FINDS BRAND GROUND BLACK PEPPER due to salmonella contamination.
There are 16,443 cases of poisoned pepper in Big Lots stores all over the United States (not counting Alaska and Hawaii) in 3.53-ounce plastic jars with “best by” dates of 6/30/17, 7/01/17, 7/02/17, 7/22/17 and 7/23/17. If you have this product on your spice shelf the Howdygram recommends throwing it out as soon as possible. Thank you.
I’ve got an Einstein Award for you today! Meet Austin “Einstein” Symonds, the 18-year-old now-former employee of a Papa Murphy’s pizzeria in Georgetown, Texas, who was arrested last week after being spotted by a customer rubbing his nuts all over a take & bake Hawaiian pizza. According to a copy of the arrest warrant obtained by a local newspaper, the customer confronted the teen, asked him his age and then said, “So you’re old enough to know better than to put your balls on someone’s pizza?” (Best. Question. Ever.)
Symonds responded by saying “yes” before confessing to the customer, “Man, I’m really sorry. That was stupid.”
In a recorded phone call between Symonds and his manager, the teen said he decided to have sex with a pizza when the customer showed up to place his order right before closing time. Einstein also admitted that he “probably” would have given the pizza to the customer if he hadn’t been caught. (At least he’s an HONEST moron, right?)
Symonds was charged by police with tampering with a consumer product and later released from Williamson County Jail on $10,000 bail. His parents must be so damn proud.
And finally, I am thrilled to announce that the Art Institute of Chicago has been voted the #1 museum in the world according to the Travelers’ Choice Awards sponsored by
TripAdvisor.com. The top ten are as follows:
- The Art Institute; Chicago
- Museo Nacional de Antropologia; Mexico City
- State Hermitage Museum and Winter Palace; St. Petersburg, Russia
- The Getty Center; Los Angeles
- Galleria dell’Accademia/Statue of David; Florence, Italy
- Musee d’Orsay; Paris, France
- The Metropolitan Museum of Art; New York
- The Acropolis Museum; Athens, Greece
- Prado Museum; Madrid, Spain
- Yad Vashem Holocaust Memorial; Jerusalem
I am
additionally thrilled to announce that I’ve actually been to four of the amazing institutions on this list, specifically numbers 1, 4, 8 and 9. Chicago’s iconic Museum of Science and Industry (which, in my opinion, should have tied the Art Institute) landed at #16.
Thank you for reading this and I hope you have a generally swell evening.
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