God invented the caps-lock key and I intend to use it.

Know what I love? ALL CAPS. They’re my best friend and my favorite go-to default style for the Howdygram because ALL CAPS GIVE MY IMPORTANT SHIT THE BIGNESS IT DESERVES. They’re NOISY, EMPHATIC, UNFILTERED, UNAPOLOGETIC, THERAPEUTIC and GUTSY. They’re HONEST. And they EXPAND THE VISUAL DYNAMIC OF WRITTEN SPEECH. (Mine usually needs all the help it can get.)

To all you repressed editorial types who screech that ALL CAPS ARE UNREADABLE, please answer the following question:

CAN YOU REALLY NOT READ THIS SENTENCE?

Seriously, people. Get over it already. GOD INVENTED THE CAPS-LOCK KEY AND I INTEND TO USE IT.

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There’s sure a lot of crazy medical crap in the news these days, isn’t there? Just in case you’ve been hiding under a rock I’m referring to all of the following:

• Japan is experiencing an unexpected outbreak of DENGUE FEVER after zero reported cases since the disease was eradicated there in 1945. During the past week 55 patients with dengue fever have been admitted to hospitals. Dengue fever is a climate-sensitive tropical disease carried by mosquitoes, and health officials are trying to figure out why the hell it’s showing up again in Japan.  
• Nearly everybody on the planet (except for yours truly) is having a stroke about EBOLA, an uncontained epidemic in west Africa that’s starting to leak into other countries uninvited.
• The CHIKUNGUNYA VIRUS, spread by infected mosquitoes, is finally reaching beyond the Caribbean due to 243 American travelers bringing it home in their carry-on bags to 31 different states.
• WEST NILE VIRUS is being reported in Texas and in Bakersfield and Long Beach, California. West Nile is an especially dangerous mosquito-borne virus with no known cure that makes you feel like shit and then you die.
• Hundreds of children all over the midwest are being stricken by the mysterious and highly annoying ENTEROVIRUS 68, a respiratory virus with symptoms that include wheezing, coughing, a high fever, muscle aches, a rash and an increased demand for coloring books and lemon Jell-O. During the last two weeks of August, Colorado Children’s Hospital in Denver saw 900 cases in the emergency room with more than 10% ending up in intensive care. Oy.

Sam — the Howdygram’s resident genius and clear-thinker — believes this can all be attributed to CLIMATE CHANGE and GLOBAL WARMING, whereby the melting Arctic ice and permafrost are giving new life to all kinds of dormant diseases and bacteria. This actually makes a lot of sense to me. And since there are no vaccines yet for any of this shit and senior citizens with diabetes (like me) are especially susceptible due to our suppressed immune systems, I’M NEVER LEAVING THE HOUSE AGAIN.

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Hey! It’s time for lunch AND I WANT TO EAT THINGS! I’m considering No-Stress Sloppy Joes for Senior Citizens with Crappy Hands and Knees [see recipe] with a sugar-free Schwan’s popsicle knockoff for dessert. I like the grape ones.

Thank you for reading this.