Shalom from Texas. Tonight is Jewish New Year’s Eve!

This post will include a timeline separated into convenient paragraphs. Deal with it, okay?

5:30 A.M. I’m sorry to report that I only had four stinking hours of sleep last night. FOUR STINKING HOURS. My nose is stuffed up and I feel basically crappy, as evidenced by the irritating complaints listed below in no particular order whatsoever.

1. My eyes are watering.
2. I’m hoarse.
3. I’m confused.
4. I’m crabby.
5. I hate my bathrobe.
6. My blood sugar is really, really low (54).
7. My urinary tract infection is back.
8. I have a demented fingernail on my right thumb.

Please note that item number 6 requires that I sit here sucking glucose tablets, so to kill a little time I’ll print out a grocery list for Sam, who’s planning for a Costco adventure immediately following an eye doctor appointment at 9:45. This is actually more fantastic than it sounds because Dr. Field’s office is in THE SAME EXACT BUILDING AS COSTCO. Wow, right? For your possible interest here’s a map indicating: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) our favorite Costco in Rockwall, Texas. I’ll even include a photo with all the most important features clearly labeled for you and yours.

10:58 A.M. Costco didn’t have any teeny tacos, breakfast burritos or chicken flautas today so Sam had to settle for Chinese chicken salad wraps on neon green flatbread and a lot of muffins. We are moderately suicidal. If our favorites aren’t back in stock by Saturday things may get ugly around here.

4:11 P.M. I think I’m having another hypoglycemic episode. I NEED CHOCOLATE RIGHT NOW.

9:17 P.M. Here’s something to scare the living crap out of you in honor of Halloween, which is only five weeks away. Getting old definitely ain’t for weaklings. Holy shit.

And finally ... I’ve got a hilarious video clip for you. It’s a stand-up comedy routine by Gabriel Iglesias called “Indians Don’t Rob Banks.” I don’t know whether or not this is politically correct, but since Iglesias doesn’t say anything derogatory let’s not get our panties in a knot and have a little fun. Thank you.

Rosh Hashanah starts tomorrow, which means tonight is Jewish New Year’s Eve! Sam and I are planning on a big hoo-hah when the clock strikes midnight. We’re going to lob year-old matzo balls at the goyim next door and hum a few of our Yiddish favorites. Let me know if you want to come over. Feel free to bring snacks, okay?