I don’t think I feel well enough to digest anything heavier than half a rotisserie chicken with barbecue sauce.

I meant to write a Howdygram post yesterday but it was just one of those days. I FELT LIKE TOTAL CRAP. This included: 1) my left heel; 2) the back of both thighs with pressure sores; 3) my knees; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Except regarding my heel, it hurt so damn bad yesterday I couldn’t stand on it barefoot and wound up wearing my clunky black specialty shoes for plantar fasciitis that make me walk like Frankenstein. There’s good news, though. I feel so much better today — NO HEEL PAIN! — that I’ve decided to celebrate by ordering dinner from King China with steamed dumplings and extra hot sauce.

Remembering Jefferson Airplane.

At the moment I’m experiencing EXTREMELY INTENSE PAIN and don’t know what else to do aside from writing a Howdygram post. I just took 15 mg of Norco — my prescription painkiller of choice — and as soon as it kicks in I’ll relocate myself to the family room and pass out on the chaise. This usually takes about an hour so I’d better type fast.

I just set up my brand new Howdygram store on Zazzle.com!

Know what I’ve been doing for the last couple of hours? Because a retired graphic designer can’t stay totally retired forever or she’ll have a nervous breakdown, I just set up my brand new Howdygram store on Zazzle.com soon-to-be featuring a whole shitload of adorable products with my own screwy and original artwork!

My first official products are a Moo 5" x 7" all-occasion greeting card and the Moo Mousepad (the mousepad is pictured below), a perfect and thoughtful gift for damn near anybody. For instance, a Moo Mousepad and a cheese sandwich would be the perfect present for Valentine’s Day. Who the hell needs diamonds and champagne?!

Hey, girls, daddy is a dickhead!

Hi, guys. It’s me again ... your moderately deranged, font-lovin’ Howdygrammer from Texas! It’s 7:30 Wednesday night and Sam is already home from work due to a one-day scheduling change, and it’s so damn much fun to have him around on a weeknight that I think we need to celebrate. Get your spoons ready ... SUGAR-FREE JELL-O FOR EVERYBODY!

Karma’s a bitch. Anti-abortion activists are indicted by a Houston grand jury.

I have to learn how to write when I feel like shit. No kidding, people ... I need MOTIVATION. Right now I’ve got burning skin and three leaking pressure sores on the back of my thighs, joint pain in my knees, plantar fasciitis pain in my left heel, a stiff neck, a headache and gas. Although I feel way too crabby to write something funny for the Howdygram, this is really the only distraction I’ve got right now because Sam isn’t here to entertain me. I guess I’ll just plow ahead and hope for the best, okay?

Jeb Bush applauds Michigan’s governor for being an upright guy after poisoning the city of Flint.

For your possible interest I’m really, really tired today and also have the following complaints: 1) burning, hyper-sensitive skin on my legs; 2) pressure sores on the back of both thighs; 3) pain in my left heel; 4) a low-grade fever; 5) rather severe joint pain in both knees; and 6) no chocolate. For items 1 through 5 I’m taking as many prescription painkillers as the law allows; item 6 will be history on Wednesday when FedEx delivers a big order from Russell Stover. In the meantime I’ve got sugar-free Jell-O cups.

There has never been a Cheetos recall in the entire history of the United States.

As I sit here with a nice hot mug of Lipton’s Spring Vegetable Cup-a-Soup — which requires two packets dissolved in eight ounces of boiling water in to taste like actual food — I am reminded that today is NATIONAL HANDWRITING DAY, a basic skill that’s apparently being withheld from the current generation of schoolchildren for whatever bullshit reason a neanderthal school board or Republican legislature can come up with. Personally, I think this is FUCKING PATHETIC, because not only do we all have to know how to sign our own names, we have to know how to read other people’s handwriting, too. Holy shit. Is this for real?!

Diabetics need chocolate, too.

Good morning and a happy, sunny Friday from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s a little on the chilly side around here today (only 39° at 10 a.m.) but we’re expecting such a glorious warm-up that I’m willing to tolerate an extra sweater for a day or two. Here’s a screenshot of our latest 10-day forecast to make you jealous.

The Howdygram reviews Hormel’s Meatloaf & Gravy with a Mashed Potato Hockey Puck.

I just finished my senior citizen microwaved emergency dinner here at my desk in the study. Tonight’s meal included one plastic tray of Hormel Sandwich Makers Meatballs, one teeny tub of Idahoan instant mashed potatoes and a can of Diet Sunkist. Life can be very good sometimes!

Although I’m not exactly sick, I’m not really well, either.

To my regular readers who’ve been wondering if I’m dead or alive over here at Howdygram headquarters, I am most certainly alive. I think. It’s been four whole days since my last post, an activity I’ve been putting off for a variety of personal reasons that I’ll share below in neat little subtitled paragraphs. Thank you.

Introducing Mentally Ill Senior Citizen Spaghetti with Gigantic Flat Meatballs.

Happy Saturday to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters. It’s nearly 8 p.m. and I’ve done nothing of any consequence whatsoever today except for eating lunch with Sam and making it all the way to the bathroom three times without pishing in the hall. Thrilling milestones, right? A cold snap has me feeling achy, crappy and listless so I’ve been taking an extra pain pill every once in a while. Thank God I have the perfect life of a handicapped retired senior citizen; I have nowhere to go and nothing to do, I haven’t bothered to wear a brassiere since 2008 and I only own one pair of shoes.

Vote blue in November.

It’s 2:30 Friday afternoon on a sunny, breezy, springish Friday in Texas — such as 64°, y’all — and I’m presently debating whether to continue typing this Howdygram post or go take a nap in the family room with a William Powell movie. So far the nap seems to be winning, but I’ll hang out here a little while longer just in case I get a second wind.

More fonts, two dead celebrities and a lot of sugar-free gherkins from Wal-Mart.

Welcome to Thursday night at Howdygram headquarters! So far today I’ve taken a nap, argued with an Einstein at Top Mobility, consumed two meals, downloaded another king’s ransom in free fonts, received two FedEx deliveries from Wal-Mart — sugar-free sweet gherkins and very nice clear plastic forks, pictured below — and came dangerously close to pishing in the hall due to another urinary tract infection, which I definitely DO NOT NEED.

When you pay extra for the royal treatment you have a right to expect it. Now pass the caviar and shut up.

There are THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES tonight from Howdygram headquarters, which I’ll cover below, with pictures whenever possible, in nauseating detail for your possible interest. Thank you.

Nobody ever said it would be easy to try an armed takeover of the federal government, right?

It’s the wee hours of Wednesday morning. Actually, I should say “wee-wee” hours, since that’s the only reason why I’m here right now. I woke up on the chaise in the family room at 5:15 for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and decided to sit for a while at my desk and noodle around with the Howdygram. Lucky you! And in case you give a crap, I’m also sipping on a pleasant mug of Lipton’s Gourmet Cup-a-Soup for Senior Citizens.