The Howdygram 2: When you pay extra for the royal treatment you have a right to expect it. Now pass the caviar and shut up.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

When you pay extra for the royal treatment you have a right to expect it. Now pass the caviar and shut up.

There are THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES tonight from Howdygram headquarters, which I’ll cover below, with pictures whenever possible, in nauseating detail for your possible interest. Thank you.

MY NEW MOBILITY SCOOTER IS ASLEEP IN THE GARAGE. It was delivered this morning, fully assembled (almost) with an extra-wide seat and ready for Sam to drive up and down the driveway. I’m so excited I could wet my pants. Sadly, we didn’t exactly get the “white glove” delivery we paid extra money for that was supposed to include installing the cup-holder and cane bracket, teaching Sam to use the scooter and answering all of his questions. The freight company’s work order only indicated “threshold,” so they basically dropped off the scooter at the entrance to our garage and waved goodbye. FUCK THAT. As soon as Sam left for work at noon I called my pal Jamie at Top Mobility to let them know we were disappointed. They called the manufacturer, the manufacturer got pissed off at the delivery company, and somebody from the “white glove” service is supposed to call me back to set up a time to finish the job. I WANT MY CUP-HOLDER AND I WANT IT NOW. When you pay extra for the royal treatment you have a right to expect it. Now pass the caviar and shut up.

A QUICK MEDICAL UPDATE. My visiting nurse, Karen the Cutie, was here this morning to change the dressings on my pressure sores and try to peel off the layers of adhesive permanently attached to the back of my thighs. I wouldn’t give a crap about the adhesive issue if it wasn’t so damn annoying to have a robe glued to my ass. And it’s not doing my hyper-sensitive skin any big favors, either. I also found out today that I don’t qualify for a visiting doctor until I’m on Medicare. (Only 10 months to go.)

I BOUGHT A NICE LITTLE PRESENT FOR SAM. Because I’m positive I don’t do enough wonderful things for the love of my life I just ordered this really adorable teeny shelf unit from Amazon so he’ll have a permanent spot in the study to recharge his iPhone. The stand measures 13" x 11½" x 23", fits next to our black visitor chair, matches our home office furniture and only cost $19.25 with zero sales tax and free shipping. I was hoping to surprise Sam, but since he’ll probably read this post as soon as he gets home from work there’s no point keeping my mouth shut.

Show of hands. If you watched President Obama’s final State of the Union address last night, how many of you wanted to beat the shit out of asshole Paul Ryan? The Speaker of the House sat motionless behind the President for one solid hour and responded to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, either with applause or a facial expression. The little jerk didn’t even think curing cancer was a good enough reason to clap.

I really hate this guy. Before the State of the Union address Ryan told a reporter he’d been practicing “looking stoic.” He over-achieved that goal. He looked BRAIN DEAD.

You’ll be relieved to know that: 1) I was able to get back onto BeFonts.com — my favorite source for gorgeous free fonts — today; and 2) yesterday’s server errors must have been a one-off situation. Therefore, I’ve got a few more new fonts to share with you! Download links are below the graphic in case you want some of these for your own collection.