When you pay extra for the royal treatment you have a right to expect it. Now pass the caviar and shut up.

There are THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES tonight from Howdygram headquarters, which I’ll cover below, with pictures whenever possible, in nauseating detail for your possible interest. Thank you.

I’m completely freaked out by this entire experience. Therefore please send me a pizza.

Monday was quite a day around here. I was feeling achy, unwell, low-grade feverish, slightly nauseated, cranky, not too hungry and generally shitty. On the plus side, though, I got some happy news — at last! — setting up “white glove” delivery of my snazzy new Prowler three-wheel mobility scooter with a cup-holder on Wednesday morning, and my visiting nurse, Karen the Cutie, showed up at 3:30 Monday afternoon to change the dressings on my repulsive and relentless pressure sores. Karen says the cellulitis infection in my legs is FUCKING GRUESOME and she’s trying to reach my doctor to prescribe a high-powered antibiotic administered by flame-thrower. I’m completely freaked out by this entire experience, to tell you the truth, but I can’t go into too much detail here because I start to cry. Therefore please send me a pizza. (Thank you.)

God bless Fuel City.

As I drink a nice steamy mug of Lipton’s Gourmet Cup-a-Soup for Senior Citizens and get ready for a shiny bright Sunday in Texas, I think I’d like to mention three hugely important things that happened here on Saturday: 1) I had my first-ever experience with a real visiting nurse and it was TOTALLY EXCELLENT; 2) I thought I wanted Chinese for dinner until Sam volunteered to bring home tacos and fried pies from Fuel City; and 3) please enjoy all the incredible and ritzy new free fonts that appear in the next section.

Armed, dangerous and really stupid. The morons fight each other at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge.

Here’s the second Howdygram post I promised you today. Mostly I’ve got one hot breaking news story and a couple of thrilling updates to issues mentioned earlier.