There has never been a Cheetos recall in the entire history of the United States.

As I sit here with a nice hot mug of Lipton’s Spring Vegetable Cup-a-Soup — which requires two packets dissolved in eight ounces of boiling water in to taste like actual food — I am reminded that today is NATIONAL HANDWRITING DAY, a basic skill that’s apparently being withheld from the current generation of schoolchildren for whatever bullshit reason a neanderthal school board or Republican legislature can come up with. Personally, I think this is FUCKING PATHETIC, because not only do we all have to know how to sign our own names, we have to know how to read other people’s handwriting, too. Holy shit. Is this for real?!