There has never been a Cheetos recall in the entire history of the United States.

As I sit here with a nice hot mug of Lipton’s Spring Vegetable Cup-a-Soup — which requires two packets dissolved in eight ounces of boiling water in to taste like actual food — I am reminded that today is NATIONAL HANDWRITING DAY, a basic skill that’s apparently being withheld from the current generation of schoolchildren for whatever bullshit reason a neanderthal school board or Republican legislature can come up with. Personally, I think this is FUCKING PATHETIC, because not only do we all have to know how to sign our own names, we have to know how to read other people’s handwriting, too. Holy shit. Is this for real?!

Therefore, to prove that you still practice your penmanship please sign your name at the bottom of a blank check and forward it to the Howdygram as soon as possible. Click here to request our mailing address. Thank you.

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There’s been another Listeria outbreak, people. This time one person is dead and 11 others are pooping their guts out in local hospitals after eating poisonous fresh bagged salads sold by Dole. Pictured below are bags of Dole’s popular Hearts of Ptomaine and Diarrhea Blend.

The dozen victims come from six states: Massachusetts, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania and Indiana. The fatality was in Michigan, probably because the poor slob also rinsed his lettuce in Flint’s water. (Not really.) Reports about Listeria infections began last July.

The CDC is warning everybody not to eat salads packaged under the name Dole, Fresh Selections, Simple Truth, Marketside, The Little Salad Bar and President’s Choice. If you have one of these packaged salads in your fridge look for the letter “A” at the beginning of the manufacturing code. THROW. THIS. SHIT. AWAY. NOW.

On Thursday Dole told the CDC it had stopped production at its contaminated Springfield facility and is pulling all packaged salads made at this facility still on the market. Decent of them, right?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, guys ... in the entire history of the United States THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A CHEETOS RECALL. Please adjust your diets accordingly.

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I’d like you to take a wild stab at what I had for lunch today. Give up? A REAL CHICAGO-STYLE ITALIAN BEEF SANDWICH from Gino’s East ... right here in Dallas! Gino’s East is an iconic Chicago deep-dish pizza restaurant that opened several locations in Texas a couple of years ago. (The two Dallas restaurants opened at the end of 2014.) My sandwich today was so fucking incredible I almost had a brain hemorrhage. It looked EXACTLY LIKE THIS PICTURE and came with separate containers of sauce and giardiniera. Sam also brought home a Gino’s East deep-dish pizza just for fun. (We have a lot of leftovers but please DO NOT ask us to share.)

Thank you for reading this.