Friday, September 26, 2014

Here’s our essential guide to the 2014 State Fair of Texas.

Hi, y’all. Howdygram headquarters is full of late-breaking Texas news today! But first ... in case you haven’t seen the latest photo from Paris Fashion Week, here are frozen-face professional poser Kim Kardashian, wearing a skirt so short she had to hide her “hoo-hoo” from the media, and her douchebag spouse, the megalomaniac Kanye West, both TOPLESS at the Lanvin runway show. Caught on video by TMZ, they were booed loudly by the crowd when they entered the arena and Kanye had a fucking STROKE because the dumb slob thinks he deserves to be the most respected half-naked American in the room with man-boobs and a trophy tramp wife. That’s definitely one of the best sentences I’ve ever written.

Just in case you haven’t heard, TODAY IS OPENING DAY OF THE TEXAS STATE FAIR. Even though Sam and I have no definite plans to go this year due to it’s still 95° outside and I don’t want to roast in my wheelchair, the event practically takes over the entire city of Dallas (and clogs most of the freeways) so there’s no way to avoid it. The fair runs through October 19. If you think you’d like to attend you’ll appreciate the following illustrated Cheap Bastard’s Map of the State Fair of Texas and a helpful list of admission discounts. (Full-price admission is $17; kids and old people pay $13.) Please email me if you want an embiggened version of the map that you can actually READ.
And as promised, here’s that list of State Fair admission discounts:

TUESDAYS. Bring an empty Dr. Pepper can and get in for $5.

WEDNESDAYS. Bring three cans of food for local north Texas food banks and get in for $3. (Please, no sardines. Even po’ people won’t eat that shit.)

THURSDAYS. Senior Citizens (ages 60+) get in free. Free? Holy crap! Or, if you’re not old, bring an empty 20-oz. bottle of any Coke product and get in for $6.

FRIDAYS. Print a coupon from the KISS-FM website and get $5 off general admission.

EVERY DAY AFTER 5 P.M. Bring an empty Dr. Pepper can and get in for $8.

EVERY DAY. Score State Fair coupons on tray liners and bag stuffers at McDonald’s and get $3 off general admission.

Once you finally find parking and get inside the fairgrounds you’ll want to commence playing State Fair of Texas Bingo with your friends and loved ones. Please feel free to reprint the following free bingo card for everybody in your group.
And finally, in an earlier post I listed the finalists and winners of the 2o14 Big Tex Choice Awards, an annual competition honoring the State Fair’s best new deep-fried cardiac nightmares food on the midway. If you’re a gambler at heart, here are the entries that LOST but can still be purchased and consumed at your own risk.

TEXAS BISCUIT FRIES WITH CHOCOLATE GRAVY. Fried buttermilk biscuit dough sprinkled with powdered sugar and served with a bowl of chocolate gravy. Frankly, the words “chocolate” and “gravy” make this one a little too risky. Think projectile vomiting. If you're in your 20s with no kids or long-term responsibilities, go for it.

FRIED POLYNESIAN LUAU ON A STICK. Chicken, pineapple, red pepper, onion kebab, battered and fried. This works on many levels. It’s fried, it’s on a stick and it sounds awful. What could go wrong?

FRIED CHOCOLATE MAPLE BACON AMAZEBALLS. Chocolate cake and bacon rolled into balls, fried, dusted with powdered sugar, chocolate syrup, maple syrup and then MORE BACON. I don’t get the chocolate and bacon thing. I really don’t.

HOT SOUL CAKE. Fried chicken and cream cheese crammed into a vanilla cupcake, dipped in waffle batter and fried. Then dust with powdered sugar and a cream cheese glaze. No. Please. Just NO.

DEEP-FRIED BARBECUED FRIED RICE. This is fried rice that’s fried and DOUBLE FRIED plus brisket and smoked sausage, batter, panko bread crumbs, and then fried AGAIN. Served with Sriracha and a complimentary echocardiogram.

DEEP-FRIED PHILLY CHEESESTEAK. Beef steak, sautéed onions and cheese, wrapped in an egg noodle crust and fried. You lost me with the egg noodle crust.

FRY-DOG. A cheese-filled hot dog on a stick that’s dipped in batter, covered in French fries and fried. What! No chili?

DEEP-FRIED MILK. Whole milk, half & half and heavy cream blended with sugar to make a creamy custard. Dipped in egg wash, Japanese bread crumbs and fried. Served with powdered sugar and chocolate or strawberry sauce. Deep-fried formula is available for babies under six months old.

DEEP-FRIED SWEET TEA. It’s sweet tea + custard in a graham cracker crust, fried, then topped with sweet tea syrup. The official State Fair press release says it’s “the official way to put some South in your mouth.” No fucking way, pal.

It’s definitely time for dinner now. I’m considering a large volume of Chinese for immediate delivery.

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