Barry Manilow revealed today that he gay-married his long-time manager in 2014.

I’ve got all kinds of good news for you this afternoon, so let’s get started, okay? I’ll do my popular subtitled paragraph format to help you keep track of what’s what. Thank you.

LET’S DRAW SOME BLOOD. Glorioski, people ... my new CoaguChek XS meter is here, it’s ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS — just like the one at my doctor’s office! — and Howdygram headquarters’ official Clots “R” Us clinic [see previous post] is open for business! The meter came with 200 pointy lancets to stab my fingers, an instructional DVD with background music and two — TWO! — colorful “getting started” booklets from Roche Diagnostics. About an hour ago I programmed all the setup crapola (date, time, etc.) and inserted the test strip code chip; I’ll do my first official PT test on April 21 and email the results to Dr. M’s office. (PT stands for “prothrombin time,” or how long it takes my blood to clot.) Oh boy, right?

BARRY MANILOW IS OFF THE MARKET. Hot news from the crazy world of show biz! Barry Manilow revealed today that he gay-married his long-time manager, Garry Kief, in 2014 but decided to keep it a huge secret because Manilow believes his fans didn’t know he was a homosexual. Note to Barry: Actually, we did. Suzanne Somers was “best man” and Manilow’s assistant performed the commitment ceremony.

Manilow, 71, finally decided to spill the beans because he got sick of not telling anybody. He and Kief are expected to get for-real married this year with a license and a cake. They have already been together for more than 30 years. Mazel tov!

A FAVORITE MOVIE. Tonight I’ll finish watching Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953) starring Jane Russell as Dorothy Shaw and Marilyn Monroe as Lorelei Lee. This movie has always been a favorite of mine because the plot is terrific, the songs are terrific, the clothes are terrific and EVERYTHING is terrific. Plus the movie is packed with excellent and unexpected scene-stealing. For instance, Jane Russell steals nearly every scene from Marilyn Monroe, Charles Coburn as Sir Francis “Piggy” Beekman steals the movie from actors half his age, and little George Winslow as Henry Spofford III is drop-dead adorable every time he opens his mouth. (He’s that cute little kid with the voice like a foghorn.)

The cast also includes Tommy Noonan as Marilyn Monroe’s millionaire boyfriend and Elliott Reid as Ernie Malone, a detective hired by the millionaire’s father to protect him from gold-diggers who winds up falling in love with Dorothy.

I DIDN’T GET ANOTHER SHITTY MYSTERY FEVER AFTER ALL. Thank God! Whatever the hell was going on this morning before breakfast (chills and body aches) disappeared by mid-day, so I had a nice lunch with Sam followed by a short nap. I love happy endings.

TREACHERY WINS THE DAY. This afternoon I quietly reported our next-door neighbor to the city of Mesquite’s code enforcement department because they’re a pair of lazy slobs who refuse to mow their disgusting foot-high overgrown weeds lawn. Two hours after I submitted the report online THEY WERE ALREADY OUTSIDE MOWING! I’ll bet the city probably threatened to slap them with a substantial fine, especially since this is the fourth year in a row they’ve refused to mow things. I can’t wait to tell Sam!

THE MASTERS, ROUND ONE. Tiger Woods finished with a one-over-par 73 this afternoon in his first round. This is actually way better than his first-round scores at other tournaments earlier in the year, after which he either dropped out whining or didn’t make the cut at all. So today was a huge fucking improvement and I think Tiger should order some Chinese food and have a party tonight.

In case you’re interested in leaderboard specifics, Jordan Speith ended the day in first place at eight under par. I hate this person’s guts.

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Thank you for reading this.