Has your wee-wee ever looked like bayou sludge with alligators in it?

BIG FAT NEWS FLASH FOR EVERYBODY: It’s 2:30 Monday morning and I have another Shitty Mystery Fever! I woke up about an hour ago after a brief nap in the family room and BLAMMO ... I was shivering, I had body aches, my joints hurt like hell and I smashed a toe on the corner of our coffee table. (The smashed-toe incident has nothing whatsoever to do with a low-grade fever but I thought I’d throw it in because PAIN.) To cheer myself up I’ve decided to sit here at my desk in the study and entertain you for a while, okay?

When you get old nobody really expects very much from you, so why not go ahead and sleep through everything.

Today is day three of Sam and Marcy’s Fancy Shower Adventure, where your favorite housebound senior citizen blogger with shitty knees and a hangnail — i.e., yours truly — achieved world-class status on Wednesday as a remodeling project supervisor. This was another classic example of A Retiree’s World of Meaningless Accomplishments.

Anti-tyranny Texans want deep fryers and soda machines back in public schools.

Holy crap, it’s Thursday! The highlights of my day so far have included: 1) a four-hour nap on the chaise from 7 a.m. until lunch-time; 2) eating Costco teeny tacos with Sam; 3) another four-hour nap from 3:15 until 8:30 tonight; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. (Seriously ... I can’t.) I guess I was exceptionally tired today as there’s no other explanation for spending eight hours on the chaise. Just another milestone from A Retiree’s World of Meaningless Accomplishments.

Rick Perry’s views on income inequality in Texas: “We don’t grapple with that here.”

It finally happened, guys. I HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN TODAY. Trying to catch up after another sleepless night I was attempting my daily early afternoon nap in the family room ... and THE GODDAMN PHONE WOULDN’T STOP RINGING. There were three calls in a row less five minutes apart — all PRE-RECORDED BULLSHIT about Life Alert or senior citizen crap — until I started shrieking for Sam to disconnect the phone before I rip it out of the wall and throw it through a plate glass window. As soon as he figured out how to silence the ringer on both cordless handsets I slept until 4 p.m., uninterrupted. It was GLORIOUS.