If my Hydrocodone isn’t here by Wednesday, Sam is ready to rip the hospice a new one.

It’s midnight. Sam is asleep and the house is quiet at this late hour, especially since the various events of “crazy Monday” are finally over now. For your possible interest, these included all of the following …

I’ve always been happy to support public education even though I have no children.

Happy Sunday night from Howdygram headquarters! Sam is unconscious on the sofa and I’m finishing up an online Wal-Mart order. This time it’s a teeny one … six boxes of Otter Pops Beach Breakers. They come in six excellent flavors — Blue Raspberry, Strawberry, Orange, Lime, Grape and Punch — and they’re sold 20 to a box with a three-box minimum. Incidentally, Beach Breakers are a “sorbet” texture rather than ordinary ice, and they’re my #1 favorite year-round dessert not counting occasional Hostess SnoBalls.

At 4 a.m. I asked Sam for rye bread and butter, which I regurgitated half an hour later.

I’m sad to report that our intensely popular Hat of the Day feature ended at 3 p.m. Friday due to finally running out of idiotic millinery. Hat #7 appears below in case your short-term memory sucks as much as mine does.

Hostess SnoBalls are an amazingly fluffy confection.

We had some excitement around here this morning! After Sam noticed that a lot of our neighbors were having extensive roof work done due to recent hail damage, he invited one of the contractors to come over and inspect Howdygram headquarters.

At times I really enjoy turning the family room lamps on and off.

Hello, people. I think I’ve managed to sigh myself into a mild depression that started yesterday when I asked Sam if he realized I’ve been bedridden for almost a whole year. I’ve just spent 12 months in a hospital bed, in the same position, staring at the same wall, unable to walk and unable to even stand up. I guess that’s probably enough to depress anybody.

“White Cargo” is the sweatiest movie ever made.

Happy Saturday morning from bright and sunshiney Texas. I started my day with a fistful of drugs and a few squirts of FloNase while Sam shuffles in and out of the house doing his springtime weed patrol thing. Just another typical weekend at Howdygram headquarters. I’m not joking.

Happy Pesach to our Jewish friends and relatives.

It’s barely Thursday morning, just a few minutes past 1 a.m., and those “killer thunderstorms” we were expecting 10 hours ago finally decided to roll in. They’re LOUD, and I swear I can hear hailstones … although I’m sure they’re not as big as baseballs because baseballs would make a lot more noise than this. These have to be teeny hailstones, maybe the size of nipples. And in case the lights go out I’ve got some emergency essentials within arm’s reach: 1) a gigantic high-beam flashlight that could double as a lethal weapon; 2) a battery-powered oxygen generator; and 3) a box of Hostess Suzy-Qs. Woo-hoo!

We’re expecting some yooge killer thunderstorms on Wednesday.

Yesterday was one of the worst days ever around here. After my hospice nurse left around 11 a.m. I began having problems with my oxygen. The oximeter readouts* were sinking fast … from the 90s to the mid-80s and eventually sinking into the low 70s by late evening. At that point Sam had already turned up the generator to the highest setting (5 liters), but my oximeter readouts never improved. In fact, they were continually crappier as the night wore on until it felt like somebody dropped an anvil on my chest.

Please feel free to remember the Alamo ... but don’t get too obnoxious about it, okay?

Happy Sunday, everybody! I’m pleased to announce that we survived yesterday’s eight-hour thunderstorm with no damage, no loss of power and no casualties. I think the most serious storms were reported about 100 miles south of the Dallas metro area, but thanks, anyway, for worrying about us.

I spend my days luxuriously now ... eating TV dinners, ice cream and Otter Pops.

Yo, people! It’s late Wednesday night — just a few minutes before midnight — and I thought I’d sneak a little time away from creative projects for The Howdygram Store.

On Saturday I rediscovered my rib cage.

Okay, okay, okay … I’m fine, everybody. It’s been quite a few days since my last post, but that’s because I needed a brief hiatus to concentrate on uploading my new greeting card designs to The Howdygram Store. I’ve made some decent progress, believe it or not … it only took seven hours to upload the first 12 cards! (I think I mentioned in the past that it’s slow work. Obviously I wasn’t joking about that.) So now it’s 12 down, only 23 more to go …

I’ve always had a talent for multitasking … even from my hospital bed.

We’re having a quiet Wednesday evening here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam and I have been watching a pair of pleasant back-to-back movies … Born to Dance (1936) starring James Stewart and Eleanor Powell, and No Time for Sergeants (1958) starring Andy Griffith and Nick Adams. Eventually I’ll probably request food, although it’s almost 10 p.m. and getting a little late for dinner. I think maybe I should figure out a way to combine dinner with a bedtime snack. I’ve always had a talent for multitasking … even from my hospital bed.

Seriously, does this sound like something we can cure with vitamins?

Good morning. It’s a few minutes before 6 a.m. and I’m wide awake on my hospital bed in the family room. Before I jump into other subjects I need to make a huge proclamation about my pish. (To a bedridden invalid, pish can be a very large deal.)