Today’s Shit-O-Meter pain report reflects an improvement over Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

I’ll begin this post with a simple statement: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! This is due to intense pain in my left heel — a combination of diabetic neuropathy, plantar fasciitis and another bleeding blister on the bottom — plus arthritis in both knees. I’m a complete mess right now, a fact that’s being underscored by a urinary tract infection with uncontrollable peeing and a low-grade fever. I’ve had the infection for more than a week already. Even though I have an appointment to see my primary on September 6, I don’t think I can wait that long for relief so Sam said he’d talk to her office for me today and be my advocate. My dilemma? I need an antibiotic prescription but there’s no way I can see the doctor sooner than September 6 because I have to reserve transportation on the Mesquite senior citizen transit bus TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE!

Of course he did! Our Moron-in-Chief stared at the fucking sun during today’s solar eclipse.

Yo, howdy, hi-de-ho and how the hell are you? It’s Monday night here at Howdygram headquarters, and I have to make a ridiculous confession: I FORGOT ABOUT THE SOLAR ECLIPSE TODAY. The error came to my attention about an hour ago when I checked my Facebook page and saw selfies from damn near everybody I know — and all their relatives — with their nerd glasses on. Holy shit.

I honestly didn’t know we had Confederate statues in Dallas.

Today’s Kvetch Report includes a list of physical complaints that I might not have mentioned before. To tell you the truth, this shit is getting weirder, more frequent and sometimes scarier than before. Here we go: 1) painful “charlie horse” muscle spasms in both hands and all ten fingers; 2) skin irritation on the back of both thighs requiring shmears of Balmex cream several times a day; 3) wheezy lungs after a nap; 4) severe muscle tremors in my extremities, tongue, lips and (no kidding) eyebrows; 5) diminished appetitite; 6) stuttering and difficulty speaking normal sentences; and 7) a craving for chopped liver.

Know what’s scary? Wheezy lungs at midnight!

Whoa. I’m feeling COMPLETELY ZONED OUT this morning! I took my regular meds with 20 mg of Norco (as usual) and all of a sudden my head is spinning out of control. My complaints this morning? I’m STUTTERING, I can’t speak a simple sentence, my enunciation is off-the-charts weird, my tremors (a side effect of Gabapentin) have magnified tenfold and my entire body feels jittery. Oy, this is SO FUCKING WEIRD!

Boy howdy! This year the Texas State Fair runs from September 29 through October 22.

Please don’t ask me to write about politics. I just can’t. And this includes anything with even a hint of Donald Trump or that fucking disgrace that just happened in Charlottesville. I will instead post: 1) my latest herd of new free fonts; and 2) tell you about this year’s competition for the 2017 Big Tex Choice Awards, featuring the latest deep-fried monstrosities at the Texas State Fair food court. I’ll start with the second topic first, okay?

I’m a huge fan of the Bolshevik revolution.

Howdy-do. It’s 2:45 Wednesday morning, Sam is in bed and I’ve decided to kill a couple of hours writing a post for the Howdygram, slugging Crystal Light raspberry green tea on ice and designing mugs for my store on Zazzle.com. Also a custom blanket for my best friend’s daughter’s baby shower next month in Chicago. (No, obviously I can’t go. Stop getting so hysterical.) Yesterday I spent most of the day designing greeting cards. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

Something is amiss here. Sam is sleeping through a monster thunderstorm!

It’s a few minutes past 2 a.m. here, Sam is in bed and I’m SERIOUSLY UNWELL again! There’s no real pain, per se, but my overall complaints include: 1) chills; 2) body aches; 3) uncontrollable pishing every 45 minutes that even wakes me from a sound sleep; 4) migraine headaches due to complaint number three; 5) serious intestinal distress; and 6) a wet rash on several areas of my body that are none of your damn business. Therefore I just took my bedtime meds with 70 units of injected insulin, a pair of Imodium tablets, a juicy dose of Norco — doing my best to prolong the opioid epidemic! — and then poofed myself with Nystatin powder to kill that fucking rash already. Thank you for listening.

I love my life … with the exception of my left foot.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday from Howdygram headquarters. However, I hope you don’t think that “headquarters” means we’ve got a bustling newsroom here ... because we don’t. We’ve just got one housebound senior citizen in a bathrobe — yours truly — eating leftover egg salad at 1:45 in the morning.

Costco is excellent about returns and refunds.

I know you’ll forgive me for not posting since last Saturday, especially after I list the reasons why. And here we go!