I swear to God, Rick Perry is on drugs.

I want to start this post with a very special message for my husband, life partner and soul mate ...

Creative Cloud technology can get a little overwhelming for an old coot like yours truly.

It’s exactly 9 p.m. on a clammy Monday night here in Texas. Sam is unconscious in the family room with a John Wayne movie and I’ve decided to hang back in the study binge-reading a full day of aggravating news stories, 32 stupid emails — wow! incontinence supplies are on sale again at Allegro Medical! — and the Howdygram.

Let’s watch an out-of-shape, spray-tanned orangutan try to play tennis.

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s just after 4 a.m. and I thought I’d get an early start on today’s post while another round of thunderstorms rolls through here. We’re not expecting any hail or tornadoes ... just lots of thunder, lightning, wind and VERY HEAVY RAIN, the latter of which we need desperately. Sam was out in the garage for a couple of hours with the overhead door open enjoying our big weather hoo-hah with a can of diet ginger ale but finally went to bed about 30 minutes ago. In case you’re interested, the white star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. (You can’t see me waving because it’s extremely dark outside.)

I started taking Lasix again this morning. It’s a nuclear-powered diuretic.

Yo, guys! I honestly meant to write a Howdygram post for the last two days but got caught up with other activities … including all of the following.

Pay no attention to the blogger behind the curtain.

Seriously … remember the bombshell announcement in my last post about the demise of iFonts.xyz, the best free fonts website on earth that gave away other people’s valuable and expensive creative property? Well lo and behold, wow, forsooth and holy shit ... THEIR WEBSITE CAME BACK ONLINE TODAY and it was packed with so many new free fonts I almost had a brain hemorrhage! Therefore I’ll begin this post with my favorite section.

My favorite free fonts website is gone.

Hello and hi-de-ho from my house to yours! It’s 7:45 p.m. on a muggy Thursday night in Texas, Sam is attending the second (and final) session of a pleasant retirement planning seminar — he actually knows enough about investing to teach a course like this! — and I’m at home enjoying a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce for senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. When I finish my sack of spaghetti I’ll probably get back to my other passion … designing mugs, greeting cards, iPhone cases and miscellaneous whatnots for my own shop on Zazzle. By the way, if you’ve never visited The Howdygram Store you’re missing a terrific shopping experience. Thank you.

I decided not to celebrate Catheterization Day.

Yesterday was a busy and unforgettable day at Howdygram headquarters. For your possible interest I participated in all of the following hoo-hahs.

I just discovered Instacart grocery service and can’t wait to give it a shot.

Happy Monday morning, boys and girls! It’s 2:25 a.m., Sam is in bed and I think I’m bored. I’m completely fed up with the news — hasn’t anybody impeached that fucker yet?! — and not sleepy enough to go to bed because I conked out in the family room after dinner and woke up about an hour ago. Oy. I’m upside-down again! Right now I’m parked in the study with a fistful of pills, my bedtime insulin injection and a bag of Mountain House’s brand new Homestyle Chicken Noodle Casserole, which I’ll review for you below.

I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2012, but this is basically a secret so please don’t tell anybody.

It’s been a dismal, dark and thunderstormy day ever since we woke up this morning. As a matter of fact, by 6 a.m. Sam was already seated comfortably in the garage with a full pot of coffee and the overhead door open so he could watch a line of storms roll in from the northwest. Now that Sam’s retired it’s particularly rewarding when the neighbors start leaving for work because we don’t have to. We don’t even have to get dressed! As for me, I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2012, but this is basically a secret so please don’t tell anybody.

Fire up the DVR! There are lots of terrific movies on TCM this month.

As I write this post Sam and I are riveted by James Comey’s testimony before Congress via live streaming video on RawStory.com. This is GREAT STUFF, people, and if you’re not watching, you should be. This is just as good as the Watergate hearings from the early 1970s and probably even more significant. Be an involved American today and tune in, okay?

Let’s hope a new national hero will emerge in 2017 to bring down the Trumps.

Shalom and hi-de-ho to you and yours! It’s a few minutes past 3 a.m. and I’m wide awake due to a full day of extended and consecutive naps on Monday. I wasn’t being a slug, per se … I was just doing my best to deal with some fucked-up pain issues (an official Shit-O-Meter readout appears below) and there’s only one way to do that: RECLINING ... with good drugs, Tic Tacs and Myrna Loy movies.

Friday’s thunderstorms were epic. I could even hear my soup mugs vibrating in the kitchen.

Hey, everybody … I’VE GIVEN THE HOWDYGRAM A MAKEOVER! I’d been dicking around with a few design improvements all week and finally uploaded my new graphic files — the banner, sidebar titles, navigation links, etc. — on Friday afternoon while I waited for Sam to get home from his trip to Scottsdale. I think I did a mighty swell job with this hoo-hah, even if I say so myself. Please feel free to share your compliments here. (To send cash gifts please request our mailing address.) Thank you.

I’m so fed up I want to drop-kick a bedpan through the window.

It’s still the first day of June and I’m still having “issues.” Pishing, of course. I’m so fed up I want to drop-kick a bedpan through the window. (Okay, not really. But I’m definitely fed up.) On all other fronts, however, this is shaping up to be a somewhat pleasant day. Sam is still in Scottsdale, and I’m staying out of trouble with another Howdygram post and a nice lunch. On today’s menu? A pouch of Mountain House freeze-dried Italian Style Pepper Steak with Rice and Tomatoes for handicapped senior citizens who can’t stand up long enough to cook real food any more. Just add boiling water!

Have you seen Tiger Woods’ mug shot?

I think it’s safe to assume that Tiger Woods is having a worse week than I am, health-wise, judging from his DUI arrest in Florida a couple of days ago. His mug shot (see below) — and now the dashcam video from his field sobriety test — have gone viral all over the Internet this morning. Poor Tiger wasn’t exactly drunk (his Breathalyzer test result was 0.00) but he was clearly impaired from a toxic brew of prescription meds that included Vicodin (an opioid for pain), muscle relaxants and other unnamed drugs. Tiger is still recovering from his fourth back surgery in April and a slew of other physical problems including weird baldness.

Sam is visiting his brother David, David’s adorable family and their adorable dog Buddy.

I thought it might be fun to welcome the first day of June with a nice Howdygram post. It’s not that I have a lot of big news or anything, but I feel like writing something … at 12:50 a.m. (Oy.)