I swear to God, Rick Perry is on drugs.

I want to start this post with a very special message for my husband, life partner and soul mate ...

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I think I’ve finally figured it out, guys. I can’t always write a daily Howdygram post because — wait for it — I DON’T GO ANYWHERE AND I DON’T DO ANYTHING. When you’re a housebound coot such as moi your only topics for meaningful prose fall back on what’s for lunch and I think I forgot to take my last dose of Gabapentin. I’m boring now. I get it.

Therefore, to perk up the Howdygram I’ve decided to add a brand new feature: THE ROYALS — hooray! — focusing on one member of the British royal family at a time and including FULL-COLOR PHOTOS, SNAZZY GRAPHICS, a WELL-WRITTEN BIO and other HIGHLY IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

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Today we’ll begin with Queen Elizabeth II, the current reigning monarch, who has all the best jewelry, a 775-room house in London — Buckingham Palace — that’s filled with priceless art and antiques, additional castles all over the country, a real Cinderella coach and legions of devoted guards dressed in outfits from the 13th century. In a word, her life is TOTALLY DAZZLING. (Okay, two words.)

The Queen was born on April 21, 1926, the first child of The Duke and Duchess of York, who later became King George VI and Queen Elizabeth. At the time she was third in the line of succession to the throne after Edward, Prince of Wales (later King Edward VIII), and her father, The Duke of York.

However the roof caved in when her grandfather, King George V, died in 1936. His eldest son came to the throne as King Edward VIII, but before the end of his first year Edward VIII decided to give up the throne in order to marry the woman he loved, the scandalous American divorcée Wallis Simpson.

After Edward VIII’s abdication, Princess Elizabeth’s father became King George VI, and in 1937 the two Princesses attended their parents’ coronation in Westminster Abbey. At 11 years old Princess Elizabeth was now first in line to the throne and a very big hoo-hah indeed.

ROYAL NEWS BRIEF. It was reported this week that the Queen will be receiving a huge 78% boost in pay — known as her annual “sovereign grant” — for the next 10 years in order to upgrade the aforementioned house in London (Buckingham Palace) with improved visitor access, new plumbing and electrical wiring. Sir Alan Reid, the official Keeper of the Privy Purse, said the £42.8 million state grant given to the Queen in the last fiscal year equaled out to 65 pence (83¢) per person in the U.K. “When you consider that expense against what the Queen does for this country, I believe it represents excellent value for money,” he said.

The Queen’s routine responsibilities include posing, waving, smiling, wearing fancy outfits and very heavy jewelry, shaking a lot of hands, and standing — at 91 years of age! — without any assistance whatsoever for inordinately long periods of time. I personally think she’s cute and worth every cent they pay her.

MORE ABOUT THE QUEEN COMING SOON: The Queen’s education, marriage and family; her accession and coronation; jubilees and milestones; interests; and favorite charities. Plus lots of pictures!

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Earlier this week Secretary of Energy Rick Perry held a White House press briefing to answer a few questions about God-knows-what but then refused to leave the podium when it was time to hand over the reigns to Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the sccowling bitch pictured at left (below). Apparently it was such a clusterfuck that reporters began tweeting photos and comments as Sanders and four other White House staffers tried to snatch the microphone away from Perry. The dumbest Secretary of Energy in American history, Rick Perry refused to stop taking questions from the press and promised to “make nuclear energy cool again.” (I swear to God, he’s on drugs.)

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Everybody in the White House agrees: Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is a dick. Don’t send me an email to tell me you disagree because I DON’T CARE.

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Thank you for reading this and don’t forget to remember the Alamo.