AN ARBORIST CAME OVER to destroy the aphids, worms and ladybugs feasting on the tree in our front yard. Total charge for today’s adventure: $125.
I DECIDED NOT TO CELEBRATE CATHETERIZATION DAY. My visiting nurse showed up at 10 a.m. as planned, but after a brief yet informative discussion about the pros and cons of catheterizing an elderly person simply because she has a weak bladder, takes a strong diuretic — I’m looking at YOU, Lasix! — and couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough even if her mother was Secretariat, it was reasonably suggested that the aforementioned elderly person — yours truly — should try using a portable commode first because it’s an easy, pain-free solution with zero risk of recurring urinary tract infections. So … last night I ordered the following portable commode from Wal-Mart. It has a wide seat, a high-capacity bucket and drop-down arms in case I want the arms (duh) to drop down. As soon as my new commode gets here I can start taking Lasix again. Oh boy!
I HAD CAMPBELL’S CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP FOR LUNCH. I always enjoy my soup in a gigantic plastic mixing bowl (two cans of soup, one can of water) with a large volume of smashed saltines. This is definitely a favorite guilty pleasure. (Too bad I can’t have Twinkies for dessert.)
I POSTED MY PROWLER 3310 MOBILITY SCOOTER ON CRAIG’S LIST. It’s a bariatric scooter for big butts featuring an oversized captain’s chair, 500-pound weight capacity, a handy swivel seat, flip-up arm rests and a deluxe “fun package” that includes a horn, a basket, dual rear-view mirrors, a cane holder, turn signals and a genuine vinyl cover! Fully assembled, never used. Asking price: $1,500.
I DECIDED NOT TO CELEBRATE CATHETERIZATION DAY. My visiting nurse showed up at 10 a.m. as planned, but after a brief yet informative discussion about the pros and cons of catheterizing an elderly person simply because she has a weak bladder, takes a strong diuretic — I’m looking at YOU, Lasix! — and couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough even if her mother was Secretariat, it was reasonably suggested that the aforementioned elderly person — yours truly — should try using a portable commode first because it’s an easy, pain-free solution with zero risk of recurring urinary tract infections. So … last night I ordered the following portable commode from Wal-Mart. It has a wide seat, a high-capacity bucket and drop-down arms in case I want the arms (duh) to drop down. As soon as my new commode gets here I can start taking Lasix again. Oh boy!
I POSTED MY PROWLER 3310 MOBILITY SCOOTER ON CRAIG’S LIST. It’s a bariatric scooter for big butts featuring an oversized captain’s chair, 500-pound weight capacity, a handy swivel seat, flip-up arm rests and a deluxe “fun package” that includes a horn, a basket, dual rear-view mirrors, a cane holder, turn signals and a genuine vinyl cover! Fully assembled, never used. Asking price: $1,500.
Right now I think I should sign off on this post, inject my bedtime insulin (68 units of Lantus, in case you give a shit) and seriously consider going to bed with a William Powell movie, either The Kennel Murder Case (1933) with Mary Astor or Life with Father (1947) with Irene Dunne and Zasu Pitts. If I don’t actually fall asleep, however, I’ll throw in Pollyanna (1960) starring Hayley Mills just for the hell of it.
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